Legend of Zelda: The Real Story: Ocarina of Time
by DeadtoSin
Summary: In this chapter Link meets Princess Zelda, hangs out with Malon, and has a touching reunion with Saria. Don;t worry, there's plenty of insanity, too!
1. Green Beginnings

            Sorry about the long wait, folks, but my story was completely erased.  I had to start all over.  In addition, it was finals week at school, and, well, you know how that can be…  Anyway, the LOZ: TRS corporation is proud to present you: The wonderful, the MAGNIFICENT…………………………The Legend of Zelda: The Real Story: Ocarina of Time (insert triumphant music) BA DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUMMM!!!!!!!!!!!

This story, along with several others, will be some of my best fanfics, so NO FLAMES!  I do ask however, that you Read & Review.  Please offer some helpful criticism (I guess it really wouldn't be criticism, would it?) to make this story more enjoyable for everyone.  Okay, I guess you're tired of me blabbing, so I'll go ahead and start.  
Oh, yeah, it's my first script format, but I've learned from the best, so it should be good!  Also, if I get writers block and run out of ideas, I can always substitute the plot for a bit of randomness.  :-D Okay, here we go (for real this time).

(You see a blank, white room, like the loading program on The Matrix.  Jacoman52 is seen sitting in a comfortable-looking, dark red recliner.  He is wearing a fancy, forest green shirt, and black pants.  A black laptop is sitting in his lap.)  
  


Jacoman52: Good evening, good morning, or good afternoon, whichever the case may be.  You see nothing before you but my words, because nothing else has been written.  Anyway, I don't need to give you an introduction, since you already have one.  Let's go to the auditorium.  
  
SFX: WHOOSH!

(You are sitting in a GIGANTIC theater.  There is a clear screen in front of each of the rows. They magnify the stage so everyone can see it clearly.)  

Jacoman52: I have to go up to my office now.  I'll be running things from there.  I'll leave you in the hands of my trusted friend, the Director. (Disappears)

(The Director walks out onto the stage from stage left, and addresses the crowd

Director: Hello, everyone!  Welcome to the show!  Have a seat, make yourselves comfortable, and, to ensure a more enjoyable experience, please follow this list of short, simple rules: (Pulls out a list, and it unrolls itself until it is about nine feet long.  He reads the list.)

No running, No sleeping, No being an annoyance, No smoking, No drinking items that weren't purchased here, No eating items that weren't purchased here… 

(…15 minutes later…)

…65. No Public Display of Affection,

66. Please turn your cell phones off,

67. No booing,

And, finally,

68. If you have small children, please keep them quiet.  If you need assistance, our ushers will escort you to our special section for noisy babies.

Director: Thank you for your cooperation. Our ushers will help you if you need anything.  Restrooms and snack bars are to the left and right.  Please enjoy the show!

(The Director walks offstage, and the lights dim.  The camera zooms in on the stage.  We see darkness for a moment, and then light appears.  Slowly, scene 1 comes into view…)

Chapter 1: Green Beginnings

Act 1, Scene 1-The Kokiri Forest

Characters:

Link: Boy Hero

Navi: Guardian fairy

Saria: Link's best friend

Mido: Bossy Loser

GDT: Great Deku Tree- Forest Guardian

Kokiri 1: Girl on the roof of the shop

Kokiri 2: Shopkeeper

Kokiri 3: Boy in forest training area

Kokiri 4: Boy picking up rocks

Kokiri 5: Boy cutting grass

Weasels 1 & 2: Deadly vermin from Heck

(The Great Deku Tree's Meadow appears.  The GDT is mumbling to himself)

GDT: Long have I been guardian of this for-

Navi: Cut it you oversized toothpick!  We've already had one long, boring introduction, so we don't need another one.

GDT: Fine!  Be that way!  But you still have to…

Navi: Yeah, yeah, wake up the kid, bring him here, and save the world.

GDT: Navi!  You've been reading ahead in the script again, haven't you?

Navi: (Blushes) Well, uh, I mean… Oh, I don't have time for this! (Flies off)

(Navi flies into Kokiri Forest.  We see Kokiri milling about, doing whatever Kokiri do on a bright, sunny afternoon.  Navi is not as cheery as the Kokiri are)

Navi: Move it, bucko!  Geez, you'd think these Kokiri would have a little respect for a guardian fairy, especially one who is about to help save the- OW! (Bumps into a fence) $#%^!!  I am NOT having a good day!  Now, let's see.  Which one was it?  Ah!  That one!  (Flies into Link's tree house) OKAY, KID, RISE AND SHINE! THE GREAT DEKU TREE WANTS TO SEE YOU!

Link: *Snore!*

Navi: Oh, great.  Can Hyrule's destiny really lie on the shoulders of such a lazy boy?  

COME ON BUDDY, WAKE UP NOW! *Pause* WWWAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPP!!!!!!!!****

Link: *Snore!*

Navi: Grrr… (Takes out a tuba and plays a really loud, low note.)

SFX: BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Link: *Snore!*

Navi: (Turns red with anger) WAKE UP, YOU STUPID… Hey, wait a minute!  I've got it!

(Meanwhile, someone else is not having such a good day, either.  The camera trains on Link, lying in bed.  He begins shivering and moaning.  What could possibly be wrong?)

(A/N: The following is what is called a "dream sequence."  You will find many in this fic, so when you see these symbols: *~*~*, someone is having a dream, a flashback, or a vision.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                                          (Insert dreamy chimes and bells)

(We see Link standing in front of a castle.  Rain is pouring down, and peals of thunder boom and crash through the storm.  A flash lightning lights up the cloudy sky.  The drawbridge slowly opens.  A white horse comes charging out.  Two women are riding on it.  One is about 30 or 40; the other is about ten, Link's age.  The younger girl throws something into the castle moat.  The horse rides off.  Another horse comes out.  A black one.  Its rider is ugly and evil looking.  The horse stops, and the man turns to Link.)

Link: (Stands quivering)

Rider: Hehhehheh (Charges up a lightning bolt and throws it at Link)

Link: (eyes widen in terror) *Sniff, Sniff* UUUGGH!  (Wakes up)

Navi: Hehheh.  I knew Mido's boxers would wake him up!

Link: UGH!  What was that?  It smelled almost as bad as Mido's boxers when me and Saria threw them in the pond!

Navi: I believe the correct phrase is "Saria and I."

Link: Who are you?  What do you care how I talk?

Navi: (Forces a cheerful smile) I'm Navi, your new guardian fairy, and it's my job to correct your grammar!  My job is also to take you to the great Deku Tree!  He wants to see you. (Matter-of-factly)

Link: Guardian Fairy? Oh, yeah, that one again.  Listen, fairy, I don't know who sent you, but I'm not falling for it!

Navi: (Agitated) The Great Deku Tree sent me, and I am not playing a trick on you.

Link: The Great Deku Tree?!?!  But I didn't do anything, I swear!

Navi: Nobody said you did Link!  Now let's get going!

Link: Wait a minute.  If I'm not in trouble, then what does the Great Deku Tree want with me?

Navi: I don't know.  Something about a spider, I think.

Link: (Raises an eyebrow in question)

Navi: (Shrugs, even though we can't see it)

Link: Ok. Let's go!

(They leave the tree house.  Link is about to climb down the ladder when he hears a familiar voice calling his name.  We see Saria running towards him.)

Link: Saria!

Saria: Link!

Link: Saria!

Saria: Link!

Link: Sari-

Navi: SHUTUP!

Link & Saria: Sorry.

Saria: So, I hear that the Great Deku Tree wants to see you.  What did you do this time?

Link: I don't know.  Navi here says that he wants me to kill a spider or something.

Saria: Navi?  Oh, this must be your new guardian fairy!  Congratulations!  

Link: Huh?  How did you know all that?

Saria: I bugged your room a year ago.

Link: O.o

Navi: Link, can we please get going?

Link: Okay.  See you later, Saria.

(They walk off towards the GDT's meadow.  Mido stops them at the entrance.)

Mido: Where do you think you're going, Mr. No-fairy?

Link: Back off creep!

Mido: (smirks) You aren't worthy to see the Deku Tree.  You don't even have the proper equipment.  I can't let you through without a sword or a shie-

Link: (Punches Mido in the nose)

Mido: Ugh. (Passes out)

(Link and Navi start walking/flying down the path)

Navi: (Fakey innocent voice) Link!  That wasn't very nice!

Link: (Shrugs) He had it coming.

Navi: (Tries desperately to suppress a laugh) Hehheh.  Yeah, and it was funny too!

Link: I think I'm going to like you, fairy.

(Suddenly, a Deku Baba springs up from the ground.)

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mido: (Stands up) Ugh, What happened? (Sees Link running at him, screaming madly, arms flailing wildly)  Oh, crap.

Link: (accidentally smacks Mido in the head)

Mido: Ugh. (Passes out again)

Link: (Gasps for breath)

Navi:  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!  You are pathetic, kid!  

Link: Hey!  It was about to eat me!

Navi: Sorry.  I'm usually hyper and perky, but I haven't had my coffee yet.

Link: *sniff* It's okay… I guess…

Navi:  Mido was right.  You need better equipment.  The Kokiri shop sells shields, and there's a sword around here somewhere.  Lets see if we can find it.

Link: Okay!  I have money in my tunic.  Let's get a shield first, and then we can look for the sword.

(They walk to the shop in all their youthful innocence, not knowing what dangers lurk in the shadows…)

(Scene: In the shadows)

Weasel 1: (High-pitched Mafia voice) Hey, Bernie, it's a kid!  Do ya tink we should rob 'im and strip 'im of 'is moichandise?

Weasel 2 (Bernie): (Deeper Mafia voice) Na, let's wait an' see what he does, Fred

(The weasels sit, watching Link intently, when suddenly…)

Fred: Eep!

Bernie, What da heck?  Fred, where didjas go?  Eep!

(Two strong hands reach down and pick Bernie up)

(Meanwhile…)

Kokiri 1:  Hey, Link!  Up here!  If you ever want to talk to someone far away, use your fairy!  Press "Z" to target someone, and "B" to talk!

Link: What is she talking about?

Navi: Beats me

(They walk into the shop)

Kokiri 2: Yeah, whaddya want?

Link: you got any glazed donuts?

Kokiri 2: No! We're outta glazed donuts!

Link: You got any jelly donuts?

K2: No! We're outta jelly donuts!

Link: You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts!?

K2: No! We're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts!!

Link: You got any apple fritters?!?

K2: NO! We're outta apple fritters!!!

Link: YOU GOT ANY CINNAMON ROLLS!?!?!

K2: NO!  WE'RE OUTTA CINNAON ROLLS!!!!

Link: YOU GOT ANY BEAR CLAWS!?!?!?!?!?!

K2: Wait a minute. I'll go check.

(Link stands patiently for a moment, then Kokiri 2 walks out)

K2: No, we're outta bear claws!

Link: In that case, what DO you have?

K2: All I got right now is this one box of half a dozen, starving, crazed weasels.  Well, actually, there's only two.  These things are pretty popular these days!

Link: Okay, I'll take that.

K2: (Hands Link the box)

Link: (Opens the lid)

Weasels: (Jump out, latch themselves onto Link's face and start eating him alive.)

Link: AAAAAHHH! OOOOHHH! AAACCKK!!  GET 'EM OFF ME!!!!!!

(Runs out of the shop screaming)

Weasels: (Steal Link's money)

Link: (Gasping for breath.)  I cannot believe I just did that

Navi: It wasn't your fault.  The author of this fic has a sick mind.

Link: Huh? Author? Fic?  What are you talking about?

Navi: I'll explain it on the way.

Link: On the way where?

Navi: On the way to get you a sword.

Link: Okay, but let's go to Saria's house first.

Navi: Why?

Link: She has hearts.

Navi: Eh…

Link: Come on!

(The two walk/fly to Saria's house as Navi explains the complicated mechanics of a fanfiction to Link.  It is a cozy little cottage with four red hearts lying on the rug.)

Link: (Picks up a heart and eats it)

Navi: EW!  You sicko!  What's the matter with you!  Eating something that was on the floor!  How could you?

Heart: That's the part that disturbs you?

Link & Navi: EEP!

Heart: What?  You eat internal organs but it scares you that they can talk?

Link: Well, er, um, uh, that is…

Heart: You have absolutely no sensitivity to us whatsoever!  Go ahead, eat me!  See if I care!

Link: Okay!  (Eats the heart)

Heart: AAAAAGH!

Link: MMM! Yummy!

Navi: Come on, Link let's go to the forest training area.  I bet the Kokiri there knows where a sword is.

Link: Okay.  (Still munching on a heart) Mmm, crunchy!

(Link and Navi go to the forest training area.  Fence posts, signs, and grass are scattered through the vicinity.)

Link: Hey, there!

Kokiri 3: (Schwartzeneger accent) Ja, vat doo yoo vant?

Link: Do you know where we can find a shield?

Kokiri 3:  Ja! Down dis liddle hole, ja!

Link: Ok!  Thanks!  Navi, you'd better get in my hat.  There won't be enough room for both of us in there.

Navi: (Mumbling) I have to go into the stupid hat.  It's a stupid hat.  Stupid kid.  Stupid Hyrule.  Stupid Deku Tree.  Why'd he have to drag me into this anyway?

Link: What's that, Navi?

Navi: Nothing.  (Flies into Link's hat.)

Link: (Crawls through hole.)

(They come out on the other side of the hole.  A maze with high walls is in front of Link.  A distant rumbling noise is heard.  The noise grows louder.  Link turns around to see a huge boulder bearing down on him.)

Link:  (Eyes widen in fright)

Navi: (flies out) What's all that noi- Oh, sweet goddesses!  Run, Link!

Link: (Runs away from the boulder)

(The chase goes on for a while, with the rock in hot pursuit.  Finally, Link jumps into an open space.  He leans heavily on a block of wood resting there.)

Navi: Link!  You're leaning on a treasure chest!

Link: Huh? Well, what do you know?  (Tries to open the treasure chest.) Grunt! Ugh! Grrr…  I've…got…to…keep…trying…

Navi: (Opens the treasure chest)

Link: Whoa! (Falls in.  Comes out with…)

TA DA DA DAAAAAA!  LINK GOT THE KOKIRI SWORD!  THIS IS AN ANCIENT WEAPON OF THE FOREST, SACRED TO THE KOKIRI, BUT YOU CAN BORROW IT FOR NOW.  GO TO THE EQUIPMENT SUBSCREEN ON THE START MENU, AND PRESS "A" ON THE SWORD TO EQUIP IT.

Link: Cool!

(They leave the maze without much trouble and crawl back through the hole.)

Kokiri 3: Zo, I zee ju got ay zword.

Link: What did he say?

Navi: He said he sees you have a sword.

Link: Oh.

(Link and Navi stay in the forest training area for a while practicing with the sword.  Then they go to see if anyone has some money for a shield.  They go to Saria's house first.)

Kokiri 4: That meany Mido made me pick up the rocks in front of Saria's house!  If you help me, I'll let you keep what you find.

Link: (Cheerfully) Okay!  (Starts picking up rocks)

Navi: Link we don't have much time.  The Great Deku Tree REALLY needs help with that spider problem…

Link: (Smashes a rock, and picks up a rupee that falls out of it)

Navi: O.O

Link: ^-^

(Link smashes more rocks, and collects the rupees that fall out of them.  Then he and Navi walk over to Mido's house.)

Kokiri 5: That jerk Mido is so mean!  He made me cut the grass in front of his house!

Link: Wow.  That's tough.

Kokiri 5: Hey! You have a sword!  You could cut the grass for me!

Link: Okay.

Kokiri: 5: We can split whatever we find 50/50.

Link: (Evil smile) Sure. (Starts cutting grass)

(When they are finished, Link has a handful of blue and green rupees, and Kokiri 5 has two green rupees.)

Kokiri 5: Okay, let's split it.

Link: (Eviler smile) Okay (Swings sword at Kokiri 5)

Kokiri 5: AAAACCKK!  STOP!

Link: (Stops just short of K5's ribcage.)  But you said you wanted to split it 50/50!

Kokiri 5:  (Shaking with fear) N-n-n-never m-m-mind w-what I s-s-s-said.  Y-y-y-you t-take the m-m-money!

Link: Thanks!  You're too generous.  Here, take this.  (Tosses him a green rupee)

Kokiri 5: Th-th-thanks!

(Link walks to the shop, while Navi stares in disbelief at what just happened.  A few seconds later, she regains her senses and catches up with him)

Navi: You little jerk!  No wonder you're always getting into trouble!  I can't believe the Great Deku Tree even wants your help, you snot nosed little brat!

Link: (Shrugs) He deserved it.  He's done worse stuff to me.

Navi: (Snapping) Like what?

Link: Like Mido throwing a flaming bag of poo at Saria's house and when it accidentally lit on fire, he blamed me and the Great Deku Tree believed him, so I was sentenced to a week of solitary confinement.

Navi: O.O

(They reach the shop, and Link counts his rupees.)

Link: …23, 24, 25.  Aw, man!  We're missing five!

Navi:  Let's go ask Saria if we can borrow some of her rupees.

Link: No, we can't.  She just spent them yesterday to buy three more beanie babies to add to her collection.

Navi: …

Link: We can always try the happy stones.

Navi: O.o er…

Link: You like making those little faces, don't you?

Navi: Nah, the author just wants me to have a couple character traits.  He'll give more as the story goes along.  You have them too.

Link: Really?

Navi: Yep.  For instance, you are completely obnoxious and rude to people.

Link: Oh. (Nods his head like he understands) What's an author?

Navi: (Slaps forehead) DOH!

(A/N: Is it possible for Navi to slap her forehead? Does she have a forehead?)

Link: What?

Navi:  You are going to take some work.

Link: Really? Thanks!

Navi: Oi, veh!

(Link and Navi walk to the platforms by the small waterfall.)

Link: See, the sign says that whenever you jump across these stones, you become happy.  I've never tried it.  I always thought I was too small, but hey, it's worth a try!

(We hear a drum roll. Link gets a running start, and then jumps across to the first stone.  He uses his momentum to make it to the second one.  He keeps going, and jumps to the third.  The drum roll finishes with a loud clash of cymbals.)

Link: I did it! Yay!

(Balloons and confetti fall from the sky.  "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" plays in the background, and a single blue rupee drops from the sky and hits Link on the head.)

Link: Ow!  (Picks up rupee!) Okay, let's go!

(Link and Navi walk/fly back to the Kokiri shop.  Meanwhile, two furry heads poke out of some nearby bushes)

Fred: (Mafia accent) Hey, Bernie, are you tinkin what ah'm tinkin?

Bernie: (Deeper Mafia accent) I tink ah'm tinkin what your tinkin.

(The weasels rush out of the bushes and grab as many balloons as they can carry, and then race towards the Kokiri forest exit.)

(Back to Link and Navi)

Kokiri 2: Yeah, whaddya want?

Link: Got any… Deku shields?

Kokiri 2: Depends on what you're paying for them.

Link: (Hands over thirty rupees)

Kokiri 2: Here ya go!  (Gives Link the shield) Thank you for shopping at Forests-R-Us, please come again!

YOU GOT THE DEKU SHIELD!  LINK CAN EQUIP IT THE SAME WAY AS THE SWORD.  IT IS NOT A VERY STRONG SHIELD, AND IT CAN BURN IN FIRE, BUT IT'S THE BEST THING YOU CAN HAVE RIGHT NOW, SO DEAL WITH IT!

(Link and Navi walk back to the Great Deku Tree's meadow entrance, and see Mido, who has a large, unattractive bandage on his nose.)

Mido: (Eyes widen in fear) Uh, please, step right this way, sir!  Uh, can I carry anything for you?  Would you like me to escort you to the Great Deku Tree?  (Mido continues carrying on this way until Link shuts him up with another punch in the face.)

Navi:  You, know, you could have just told him to shutup.

Link: Yeah, but it's more fun that way.

Navi: True…

(Suddenly, a Deku Baba springs up in front of them.)

Link: AAAAHH!! Die! (Starts hacking away madly at it.)

Navi: Link!  It's dead!

Link: Die! Die! Die! Di- Oh.  (Picks up the Deku Nuts that popped out of the dead plant.)

YOU GOT DEKU NUTS!  THEY ARE MAGICAL NUTS THAT CAN STUN ENEMIES!  GO TO THE WEAPONS SUBSCREEN ON THE START MENU AND PRESS "C DOWN," "C LEFT," OR "C RIGHT" ON THE ITEM TO EQUIP IT.  YOU CAN EQUIP UP TO THREE "C" ITEMS AT A TIME.  TO USE THE ITEM, PRESS THE BUTTON THAT IT IS EQUIPPED TO.

Link: What on Earth is he talking about?

Navi: Don't ask.

Link: More of that fanfiction stuff?

Navi: Exactly.  Look out!

Link: AGH!  (Starts smacking the Deku Baba that just popped up.  He kills it and gets more Deku Nuts.  They continue forward, and a third Deku Baba springs out of the ground.)

Link: What are these things?!?

Navi: They're called Deku Babas.  If you wait for them to stand up straight, they're easier to kill.

Deku Baba: (Stands up straight.)

Link: (Swings his sword at the stem.)

Deku Baba: EEEEEEK! (Dies)

Link: (Picks up a Deku Stick)

YOU GOT A DEKU STICK!  THIS WEAPON CAN BE USED AS A TORCH, A WEAPON, OR MANY OTHER THINGS.  EQUIP IT BY SETTING IT TO ONE OF THE "C" BUTTONS.

Link: Is he going to do that every time I get a new item?

Navi: Probably.

(Finally, Link and Navi reach the Great Deku Tree.  Little do they know, there adventure is just beginning)

Great Deku Tree: Well, it's about time!  I'm almost dead, thanks to you two!  Link, I have had a curse put on me.  The man from your dreams is bringing a great evil upon this world.  Destiny will soon lie on your shoulders, but I will tell you all about that later.  For now, I need you to break the curse on me.  Do you have enough courage to face this challenge?

Link: Uh, I guess so.

GDT: So be it.  (Opens mouth wide)

Link: O_O No way!  I am NOT going in there!

Navi: Too late! (Shoves him in)

Link: WAAAAAAAHH!!!!!

            Will Link be able to face the challenge?  Will he save the Great Deku Tree?  What are those two weasels up to?  Find the answer to all these questions and more on the next episode of:  The Legend of Zelda: The Real Story: Ocarina of Time!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda.  I do not own Nintendo.  If I did, I would be creating multi-million dollar video games instead of writing fanfictions about them.  I also do not own Weird Al Yankovic, or his song "Albuquerque," from which a section of this story came.  I do own my gigantic auditorium, and the two weasels, Bernie and Fred.  I own any demented twists I have made to the storyline of Ocarina of Time.

This has been a Jacoman52 production.__


	2. Deku Delight

Hello, everyone.  After several months of a busy schedule and procrastination, it's finally here.  Welcome to the second chapter of The Legend of Zelda: The Real Story: Ocarina of Time.  Today's episode consists mainly of twisted, evil, maniacal randomness.  As you may remember from last time, Link had just been shoved into the Great Deku Tree by his faithful (Ahem) guardian fairy, Navi.  Link must break the curse on the GDT, and then he will receive further instructions.  Thank you for supporting Link's noble quest.  We will be accepting donations of helpful suggestions for my writing.  If you notice a grammatical, spelling, or other type of error, please tell me in your review.  Also, please leave suggestions for improvement on the storyline.  If you would like to see me manipulate the game in a different way (and get sued for doing so), please give your ideas in a review or e-mail.  Well, that's about all.  I guess I can let you read the story now.  

            (The scene opens in the huge auditorium.  You find yourself sitting in a chair eating popcorn, drinking soda, or doing whatever you do at a movie theater. As you sit there wondering how long it will take me to get sued for this fic, the curtain opens. The strangely familiar director walks out on stage.  You are wondering where you have seen him before.)

Director:  Welcome back to Zelda: The Real Story: Ocarina of Time.  We are glad to have you here.  I won't keep you waiting, because then you might get bored and stop reading.  I'll just read over the rules, and…

Some Random Person:  (Throws an Extra-Large-Super-Jumbo-Mega-Sized box of popcorn at the directors head.)

SFX: CLUNK!

Director:  OW! (Walks off the stage clutching head.)

Chapter 2: Deku Delight

Act 1, Scene 2- Inside The Great Deku Tree

Characters: 

Link: Boy Hero

Navi: Guardian fairy

Saria: Link's best friend

Mido: Bossy loser

GDT: Great Deku Tree- ex-Forest Guardian

Queen Ghoma: Parasitic Spider Cursed Thing 

Random Deku Scrubs

Random Deku Babas

Random Skulltulas

Baby Spiders

(Special appearance by Bill: Random Audience Member)

(The scene opens with the camera inside the Deku Tree, facing out of his mouth.  In the center of the room is a huge spider web, surrounded by several Deku Babas.)

Link: WWWWWAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!  (Flies forward through the opening and lands face first)  WAAAAHHAAAHHHAAA!!!  I wanna go home!

Navi: (Slaps Link) Get over it, you big baby.  Come on, let's see what's wrong with the Deku Tree.

Link: Ok!  Tralalalalaaaaaaa!  Ooh, a plant!  DIE!  (Slashes at a Deku Baba)

Deku Baba: EEEEEEEEEEEEEKK! (Dies)

Link: DIE! DIE! DIE!  (Continues killing Deku Babas)

Navi: Link!  Stop that!  We have no time to waste.  We need to find that curse!

Link: Ok!  Ooh, a ladder leading to the sky!  (Climbs ladder to find a long, spiral ramp.  He begins walking.)

Navi: Link!  (Muttering) If I don't slow him down, this is gonna be a really short chapter.

Link: Ooh! Look, Navi, a door! (Opens door and brutally kills the Deku Scrub inside with his sword.)  Hey, look, another door!

Navi: I have to slow him down, but how? Hmm…  I know!  

(Navi races out of the Great Deku Tree, out of the Kokiri forest, and out of Hyrule.  She speeds to the author's room, and steals a copy of the script off his desk.)

Jacoman52: Hey!  What do you think you're…

Navi: Just making a few changes in the script, don't worry. (Writes furiously for a few moments, then flies out without another word.)

Jacoman52: (Shrugs, then goes back to typing.)

Navi: (Flies back to Link as he is about to open the door.) Huff! Puff!  I'm back, Link.

Link: Oh, whatever.  Let's just get this over with.  (Opens door)

(The scene shows a far-reaching bottomless pit, with hundreds of Poes and Keese, plus Volvagia the dragon flying around.  A treasure chest is at the other side.)

Link: O.O Navi!  What did you do!? 

Navi: (Smiling innocently) Heehee.  I just altered the dungeon _slightly_.

Jacoman52: (Is sitting at his desk when he sees what's happening) NAVI!  (Rewrites script)

Link & Navi: Gasp! The floor's back!

Navi: How'd he do that so fast?

Link: It's almost like there's a higher power somewhere up there…

Navi: (Rolls eyes) Whatever.  Just go grab the slingshot.

Link: A SLINGSHOT!?! COOL!  Hey, how do you know there's a slingshot in there?

Navi: Er… lucky guess?

Link: (Eyes Navi suspiciously)

Navi: (Returns the stare)

Link: (Keeps staring at Navi)

Navi: (Keeps staring back)

(After a few hours at this, the staring contest ends when Link blinks)

Link: (Blink) Okay, you win!  Let's go!

Navi: Um, Link, is there any reason you're acting so hyperactive this chapter?

Link: I had coffee!

Navi: What? That's impossible!  I've been with you since the last chapter.

Link: No, I had it in between chapters.  We fictional characters can do that, you know.

Navi: This conversation is pointless and meaningless.  Why are we having it?

Link: I think it's to make up for the time we lost when I was temporarily insane.

Navi: Oh, okay.  You can go get the chest now.

Link: Okie dokie.  (Jumps down from the ledge into the not-so-bottomless pit, climbs up the vines under the ledge at the opposite end of the room, and opens the treasure chest)

Announcer:  YOU GOT THE FAIRY SLINGSHOT!  EQUIP IT WITH THE "C" BUTTONS, YADA, YADA, YADA, AND SHOOT WITH THE BUTTON YOU EQUIP IT TO, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

Link: Where's that voice coming from?

Navi: Who knows?  

Link: Oh, well.  Now to find a way out of this place.  (Begins looking around for a way to climb back up the opposite wall.)

Navi: (Spots a ladder above the exit) Hey! Look, Link!  There's a ladder up there!  Maybe if you hit it with your slingshot…

Link: Great idea, Navi!  (Hurls slingshot at the ladder) 

Navi: Oi.  (Slaps forehead)

(A/N: Do fairies have foreheads?  Or hands for that matter…)

Link: What?

Navi: Never mind.  Let's just get this over with.

Link: I'm confused.

Navi: Me too.

Random Audience Member: Me three!

Navi & Link: Who are you?

R.A.M.: (Looks at name tag) I am rebmeM ecneiduA modnaR!

Navi: You've got it upside down.

R.A.M.: Oh. (Flips tag right-side-up) I am… Bill 

Link: Hi, Bill!  (Does a back flip) WWWHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

Bill: What's his problem?

Navi: I don't know.  He's been going on and off like this for the entire chapter.

Link: (Grabs fairy slingshot off the floor and starts slinging seeds at Bill and Navi) BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!

Navi: Duck!

Bill: AAAAAAAHHHH!!

Navi: (Gets hit by a deku seed) Ow! That's it you little @#%%*$# I'm gonna kick your sorry #$%%@^' *$#

Link: AHAHAHAHAHA- Huh? (Sees Navi charging at him glowing bright red.)

Navi: DIE!  (Slams into Link)

(Link flies into the wall.  He is struggling to get up as he sees Navi getting ready for another charge.  He quickly climbs the ladder and races out the door.)

Bill: Run, Link, run!

Link: (Runs)

Navi: Die!

(Link runs out the next door back onto the ramp.  He starts running down the ramp, until Navi zips out in front of him, blocking the way.  Link looks left, then right.  He sees a wall covered with vines on his right side.  He quickly kills the Skullwalltulas crawling on the wall with his slingshot, and then begins climbing the vines.)

Bill: Run, Link!  She's right behind you!

Navi: Yeah, and when I catch up with you, I'm gonna kill you!

(Link keeps climbing until he reaches the top.  To his right, he sees a ledge.  He climbs over to it and drops down on it.)

Navi: Ha! Gotcha!

Link: AAAAAAAIIIIEEE!!!  (Runs along the ledge)

Navi: (Slams into Link again, sending him sprawling)

Link: AAAAHH!!  (Stands up and backs himself up to the edge of the platform.  He glances behind him.  There is a large spider staring at him.) AAAAGH!!!

Navi: DIE! Oh, by the way, that's a Big Skulltula.  You can kill it when it shows you its back.

Big Skulltula: (Turns around)

Link: Die!  (Kills it)

Navi: Die! (Shoves Link off the edge)

Link: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(breath)OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-Unh!

SFX: Splash!

(Link falls through the web in the center of the floor into a pool of water far below.)

Link: Ow.

(Navi flies down looking her normal color, and Bill climbs down the vine wall leading into the hole.)

Link: (Backs up against a wall twitching uncontrollably.)  S-s-s-s-stay away f-from *twitch* m-m-me!

Navi: (To Bill) Hey what's the matter with him?

Bill: It might have to do with the fact that you TRIED TO KILL HIM!!!!!

Navi: So?

Bill: …

Link: (Shakes himself off and takes a deep breath.)  Okay.  I'm all right now.  Where next, Navi?

Bill: I remember this part in the game!  You light a deku stick and burn the web blocking that door over the- Hey, where is it?

Navi:  Oops.  I think I erased it when I changed the script.

Link: …

Bill: …

Navi: …  

(Pause)

Navi: Wait, why am I saying "…?"  

Link: You didn't say "…?" You only said "…"

Navi: Whatever.  Let's find another way to the bottom of the tree.

Link: Why would we want to go to the bottom of the tree?

Navi: Because that's where the curse is!

Link: Oh.

(Pause)

Link: Then why not go through that large, conspicuously placed hole in the floor over there that almost certainly wasn't there in the real game?

Navi: … (Shrugs) Okay.

(Link, Navi, and Bill go through the conspicuously placed hole in the ground that almost certainly wasn't there in the real game.  There is a vine ladder leading down into the darkness.  When our heroes reach the bottom, they are met by a very strange growling sound.  It is coming from the end of a dark hallway covered in spider webs.)

Noise: Grrr…

Link: Navi…  I don't like the sound of that.

Navi: Don't worry, it's probably just some giant monster that's waiting in the shadows to rip our limbs off and eat our flesh.

Link: Ok, I feel better now! Let's go!

Bill: (Shakes head) You two are nuts.

(They all walk down the hallway, brushing aside cobwebs as the sound gets louder and louder.  Finally, they reach the end of the hallway, only to find a rusty door…)

Link: I don't want to open it.

Navi: Me either.

Bill: You guys want to play cards instead?

Link & Navi: Sure!

(They all sit down playing Go-Fish)

Link: Got any… sevens?

Navi: Go Fish.

Link: (Draws a card) Ha!  Got what I wanted!  That makes four!  Ok, Bill… Got any nines?

Bill: *Sigh* Here ya go.  (Hands Link two cards)  That's it. I'm out.

Link: Yes!  That means… Navi, got any nines?

Navi: Grrr… (Is about to fork over the nine, when…)

Noise: Grrr…

Link: That's IT!  That thing has been doing that for the entire card game!

Navi: Link, what are you-

Link: (Kicks open the door) Alright, you little- *Gasp*

Navi & Bill: *Gasp*

(They stand there in shock, only to find that there is not one thing making the noise, but many!  There are literally hundreds of Deku Babas, Deku Scrubs, Skulltulas, and Skullwalltulas covering the floor, ceiling and walls of a gigantic room.  At the far end of the room is a door.)

All monsters: GRRRR!!!!

(Link looks frantically around the room, looking for some possible way out.  Suddenly, his face turns from a look of distress to a look of delight.  He has spotted a torch.) 

Link:  (Walks as if hypnotized towards the burning torch.)

Navi: Link, what are you doing?

Link: (Pulls out a deku stick)

Navi: Li- Oh my…

Bill: What? What is he- *Gasp*

Link: (Lights his deku stick, and holds it solemnly in front of him.  He strikes a pose, ready to light the nearest Deku Scrub on fire.)

Navi: (Snaps out of it.)  Goddesses, Link, DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: (Raises stick)

Navi:  LINK!!  YOU'LL KILL US ALL!!! YOU"LL BURN THE DEKU TREE DOWN, MAYBE THE WHOLE FOREST!!!!!

Link: (Swings stick)

(Dramatic Pause)

(End dramatic pause)

SFX: FFFFFFFFFFFFFWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monsters: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Link, Navi, & Bill: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

(Scene switches to the Great Deku Tree's meadow)

Great Deku Tree: Whoa!  I've got to cut back on the Taco Bell!

(Scene switches back)

Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Navi: The whole freakin' place is goin' up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Narrator: Will our heroes survive the inferno?  Will they ever- Huh? (Puts his hand up to his ear.)  Whaddya mean the chapter isn't over yet? (A muffled noise is heard.)  Alright, fine.  Back to the story.

Navi: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill:  Whoa!  I'm leaving.  (Jumps off the stage and heads back into the audience)

Navi: Coward!

Bill: At least I'm not gonna be a dead coward!

(Suddenly, out of nowhere, when all hope seems lost, a strange melody is heard.)

SFX: (Ocarina)- A, c-down, c-up, A, c-down, c-up (The Song of Storms) Doo da dee, doo da dee, dee da doo dee doo da doo!

(Rain comes pouring from out of the blue, extinguishing the flames.)

(As the smoke clears, a figure is seen standing on top of what was left of a Skulltula.)

Jacoman52: Do you WANT me to get sued?!?!

Link: Who are you?

Navi: Link!  That's the author!  Be respectful.

Jacoman52: I'm giving you a warning.  Let's try to stick to the storyline.  (Snaps his fingers once and disappears)

Link: Okay, That was weird…

Navi:  You're lucky he didn't delete you from the story or something.  Authors can do that you know.

Link: Whatever.  (Walks across the room to the door and opens it.  Inside the room are three Deku Scrubs.)

Link: This should be easy enough.

Navi:  Okay, you did this wrong last time.  What you have to do is bounce the nuts they spit at you back to them with your shield.  Unfortunately, these three scrubs have to be hit in a certain order.

Link:  Okay, so which order?  Hmm… Let's start with the middle one.  (Goes up to the middle scrub, and bounces back the nut it spits at him.  The scrub stands up, turning blue.)

Link: Okay, now the first one.  (Deflects the nut.  The middle scrub goes back into the ground.)

Link: Grrr…  (Hits the middle scrub again.)  Okay, now number three.  (Bounces the nut back at the scrub, but it misses.)  Grrr…Ow!  (Turns to glare at the first scrub, which had just shot him in the back.)

Navi: *Snicker*

Link: (Glares at her) Ow! Grrr…(Glares at the third scrub) Ow! (Glares at first scrub) Ow! (Glares at third scrub) Ow! (Glares at first scrub) Ow! (Glares at Navi)  I've had it with you!

Navi: (Laughing nervously) Uh, Hehheh.  Sorry?

Link: Not you, them (Nods at the Deku Scrubs) AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  (Whips out his slingshot and starts pelting them with deku seeds.)

Deku Scrubs: EEEEKK!!! (Both die)

Navi: Now look what you've done!  We could have beaten some valuable information out of them!

Link: Oh, well.  (Cuts some grass along the walls and collects the hearts that float out of them.

Narrator: YOU'VE GOT HEARTS! COLLECT THESE TO RESTORE YOUR LIFE ENERGY!

Link: (Eats the hearts)

Navi: Ugh! That's disgusting!

Link: (Through a mouthful) *Mmf!*  *Snch!* What? *Gulp!*

Navi: (Turning green)

Link: Okay, done.  Let's go.

(They go through the door that is behind the dead Deku Scrubs into… *Dun, dun, dunnnnn: the boss room.)

(Link and Navi hear a rustling sound, similar to that of a Skullwalltula.  They walk/fly into the room, and whirl around as they hear a loud bang.  A chunk of wood has fallen, blocking the door.  The scuffling noise continues.)

Navi: (Whispering) It's coming from the ceiling.

Link: (Nods his head in acknowledgement.)  

(They both look up at the ceiling, to find a large, yellow eye staring down at them.  The eye blinks, and when it reopens, it has turned blood red.  A giant, eight-legged creature falls from the ceiling with a bang.  The monster rears up and screams.)

Queen Ghoma: RRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Parasitic Arachnid

Queen Ghoma 

Queen Ghoma: (Her eye squints, and with a shriek, she charges Link.) RRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAKKKK!!!!

(Link's face is a picture of defiance.  For the first time, Link's courage is beginning to show its true colors.  He stands ready with sword and shield.)

Ghoma: (Rams into Link)

Link: AAAGGHH!!  (Flies backwards)

Navi: Okay, Link, I've found her weakness.  Hit her in the eye with your slingshot to stun her, and then hit her with your sword while she's down.

Link: (Nods) Right.  (Pulls out slingshot.)

Ghoma: (Readies herself for another charge)

Link: (Pulls back slingshot, waiting for the right moment.)

Ghoma: (Charges) RRRREEEEEAAAA-AAAIIIIKKK!!!  (Falls to the ground.)

Link: (Quickly puts his slingshot away, and pulls out his sword.  Fearlessly, he rushes Ghoma and begins hacking at her.)

Ghoma: Reak! Aiik! Eek! Arrgh!  (Stands up and shakes herself off.  She waddles off towards the far wall, and begins climbing up.)

Link: (Runs after her, but is not fast enough.)  Get down here, ya dumb spider!

Ghoma: (Lays her eggs)

Navi: Eew… Are you sure this fic is PG?

Link: (Cocks head to one side) What are those things?

(An egg begins breaking, and out pops a baby spider.)

Baby Spider: Reeeaakk!!

(The rest of the eggs break open, and Link is now facing four spiders.)

Link: Oh, great.

Baby Spiders: Reeeaakk!!  (Attack Link)

Link: DIE! (Brings his sword in an upward motion, killing the first spider as it leaps at him.  He attacks the next spider, killing it with a few slashes of his sword.  He leaps at the third arachnid, slicing it completely in half.  The fourth creature threw itself at Link, only to be speared by his sword, which was waiting for it in mid-air.)

Ghoma: (Drops down from the ceiling) REEEE-Ow!

Link: Oh, give it a rest.  (Runs up to Ghoma, slashing her with his sword.)

(Ghoma climbs back onto the ceiling and lays more eggs.  This time, however, Link is quick enough to destroy them before they can hatch.  She drops back down.  With one last, desperate attempt, she charges Link, just to be hit in the eye by his slingshot.  She falls to the ground paralyzed.  Link calmly walks up to her, smiling.  He draws back his sword, and stabs her in the eye.  It's the last thing she ever sees.)

Link: Whoa!  Check that out, Navi!

(Ghoma has ignited on fire, and is thrashing about like a snake with its head chopped off.)

Navi: (Munching on some popcorn, nodding her head thoughtfully) Yeah, it's pretty cool, but King Dodongo!  Now that's a death worth watching!)

Link: Navi! Have you been reading ahead in the script?

Navi: (Turning red) I-I- Hey!  Look, Link!  There's a big heart for you to eat over there!

Link: ^_^ (Runs over to the heart and picks it up.)

Narrator:  YOU GOT A HEART CONTAINER!  THIS INCREASES YOUR MAXIMUM LIFE CONTAINER BY ONE POINT!

Link: Hey, I feel great! Come on, Navi.  Let's step in that shiny blue circle over there!

(They step in, and are lifted up into the air.  They float out of the top of the Deku Tree, and land in front of him in the meadow.)

GDT: Good job Link.  You too, Navi.  Now, since we're running short on time and special effects funding, I'll make this story simple.  Hyrule was basically formed by three golden goddesses: Din, Farore, and Nayru.  Din, goddess of power formed the earth.  Nayru, goddess of wisdom gave the spirit of law to the earth.  Farore, goddess of courage created all the living things.  When they were done, they went back to the heavens. At the point where they left this realm, they left a symbol of their spirits: Three golden triangles known as the Triforce.  The place where the Triforce rests became the sacred realm.  It is a special place that lies between the heavens and Hyrule.  Now, Link, I don't have much time left.  The curse was broken, but somehow it seems that there is a burning sensation within me.

Link: But we put out the fi- Ow!

Navi: (Elbows him in the ribs.)

GDT: Anyway, the man who put the curse on me is the same man from your dreams, Link.  This man wants to gain access to the Sacred Realm and steal the Triforce!  You must stop him!  The man cursed me because I would not give him this.  You may have it, for it is not safe here anymore.  (Rustles his branches and something green and shiny falls out)

(Beautiful music plays as Link holds a shimmering emerald above his head, dangling on a clearly visible string, which is hung on one of the Deku Tree's branches.)

Narrator: YOU'VE GOT THE KOKIRI'S EMERALD, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE SPIRITUAL STONE OF FOREST!

GDT: Now, Link; to learn what you must do, you must go see the PRINCESS OF DESTINY.  (Struggling to speak) You will find her at Hyrule Castle, outside of the forest.  Good…bye…L…ink…(Dies)

(Link and Navi run/fly out of the meadow)

Navi: (Stops) (Whispering) Goodbye, Great Deku Tree.  (Flies off)

(Scene: Back in the Kokiri Forest.  Mido is blocking the path.)

Link: Out of the way, Mido.

Navi: Yeah, we don't have time for your crap!

Mido: What happened to the Great Deku Tree?  Is he… dead?  *Gasp* YOU killed the Deku Tree!  I'm gonna tell everybody you did this!

Navi: Leave him, Link.  We have more important things to worry about.  We have to go to Hyrule Castle and find the Princess.

Link: Yeah.  We should get out of here before Mido summons an angry mob.

Navi: That too.

(They go to the exit of the Kokiri Forest, and find themselves on a bridge.  There is a dark hole in front of them.  They hear a noise and turn around.  Saria is standing there.)

Saria: You're leaving.

Link: Uh, yeah.

(Awkward silence)

Saria: Link, I want you to know that no matter what, we'll always be best friends.

Link: (Swallows hard and nods)

Saria: As a token of our friendship, I want to give you this.  It's an Ocarina.  I hope when you play it, you'll think of me.

Narrator: YOU GOT THE FAIRY OCARINA! EQUIP IT WITH THE "C" BUTTONS, AND PLAY IT WITH THE BUTTON YOU EQUIP IT ON.  YOU DON'T KNOW ANY SONGS YET, BUT YOU'RE SURE TO LEARN SOME ALONG THE WAY!

Link: (Trying to hold back tears.  He opens his mouth to say "thank you," but no words come out.  He takes a step backwards, then another.  Finally, he turns around and runs out of the woods.)

Navi: (Glances back at Saria, then flies after Link.)

Saria: (Stares after Link for a while, then turns and walks back into the forest.)****

(Curtain Closes: End Scene)

Aww!  Poor Link!  Poor Saria!  Poor Jacoman52 if he doesn't write his disclaimer!

Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda, I do not own taco bell, and I do not own the card game "Go-Fish."  I do own this story and its corrupted plot, so please ask before you use my ideas.

Will Link find Hyrule Castle?  Will he stop the evil man from getting the Triforce?  Will they ever see Bill again?  And what about those weasels from chapter one?  Find out the answers to all these and more on the next episode of:

The Legend of Zelda: The Real Story: Ocarina of Time!

This has been a Jacoman52 production.


	3. Castle Conundrum and Frenzy in the Field

            Hello, everyone! Welcome back to The Legend of Zelda- The Real Story- Ocarina of Time!  I got started on this late because A. I was grounded for a week, B. State tests are this week, and C. I have had TONS of homework!  Oh well, enough with the excuses!  Let's get on with things!  First bit of news: I will be posting the beginning and ending dates for each chapter, so you can know how long I have been procrastinating.  Hopefully, this will be an incentive for me to get these finished sooner.  Oh, yeah, don't forget to send a review.  If you have any suggestions, please feel free to let me know.

Today's date is: May 2, 2003.

Okay, now that I've sufficiently wasted your time with an introduction, I'll get right to the action.  When we last left Link, he had just obtained the Kokiri's Emerald (A.K.A. the Spiritual Stone of the Forest) from the Great Deku Tree who, sadly, has passed away.  Before he died, the Deku Tree sent Link to meet the Princess of Hyrule.  Link was met with more sorrow after realizing that if he left the forest, he might not see his best friend, Saria, ever again.  Saria gave Link an Ocarina as a parting gift, and Link, overcome with grief, rushed out of the forest.

(The Scene begins in the auditorium, as usual.  The curtain opens, and the director walks out onto the stage.  He still looks very familiar, and you still wonder where you've seen him before.)

Director: Hello, people!  It's great to have you all here again!  When we last left our hero-

Random Person: Hey, we've heard it already!  I wanna see the fic!

(A chant begins, slowly at first, then quickly gaining magnitude.)

Audience: See the fic!  See the fic!  See the fic! (Begin throwing fruit)

Director: (Dodges an apple) But don't you want to… (Dodges a pear) …hear the… (ALMOST dodges a watermelon) OOF!  Never mind… (Limps off the stage)

Chapter 3: Castle Conundrum and Frenzy in the Field (A dual chapter with double horrors)

Act 1, Scene 3- Hyrule Field

Characters:

Link: Boy Hero

Navi: Guardian Fairy

Kaepora Gaebora: (Shudder) Giant, irrepressible owl that will never stop talking

Malon: Daughter of Talon

Talon: Owner of Lon Lon Ranch

Random monsters

Random townspeople

Random Castle guards

(Link is sitting at the entrance to the forest, bawling like a baby.  Navi is trying to comfort him.)

Link: WAAAHAAAHAAAA!!!!!

Navi: (Patting him on the back) It's okay, Link.  You'll see Saria again.

Link: *sniff* It's not that.  I didn't have time to get Mr. Fluffles!

Navi: (Gives him a questioning look)

Link: My teddy bear!  WAAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!

Navi: (Rolls her eyes) Oh, get over it, you little wimp!  Come on, we've got to go see the Princess.

Link: Okay!  (Gets up)  Let's go!

(They start off away from the forest, through a few gnarled trees.  Suddenly, a voice from above stops them cold.)

Voice from above: HOOT!

Link: (Looks up.  Above him is the most hideous creature he has ever seen, and possibly the most annoying in video game history, Kaepora Gaebora)

Kaepora Gaebora: Hoot!  I am Kaepora Gaebora!  I am the most hideous creature you have ever seen, and possibly the most annoying in video game history!  I am a giant, irrepressible owl who loves to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and…

Link & Navi: O.O

KG: …and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk!  (Breathes heavily for a moment) Would you like to hear what I said again?

Link & Navi: NO!

Link: (Hurriedly) Thank you very much for your time.

Navi: (Even more hurriedly) We greatly appreciate that valuable (Coughs violently) information, we hope to see you again sometime!  (Under her breath) Please no, Please no, Please no!

KG: Oh, don't worry, you will!

Link: (Almost faints)

KG: I will see you many times on your adventures!  For now, however, this is goodbye.

Link: (Sighs in relief)

KG: You will find Hyrule Castle if you just stay on the path ahead.  See you later!  Hoot!  (Flies away)

Link: (Whimpers) That was-

Navi: The most terrifying sight in this fic so far?  I am in complete agreement with you.

Narrator: Little did they know it, but Link and Navi would see many more horrible sights.  Some of them would be much more terrifying than this one…

Navi: (To the Narrator) Are you kidding me?  That's not fair!  I want to talk to my lawyer!  This wasn't in the job description!

Link: (Whispers to Navi) Um, Navi?  You don't have a lawyer.

Navi: (Stares at him) … Oh well.  I guess we can go to the castle now.

(Link and Navi leave the cover of the scraggly trees and step out into Hyrule Field.  They quickly spot the path and follow it to the top of a hill.  When they reach the crest, Link stops in his tracks.  The field is enormous.  To his left, there is a small grove of trees, and beyond that, two metal fences blocking a pathway between two large cliff faces.  To his right, the path continues to the top of another hill.  In front of him and slightly to the right is a large, fenced-in area with several buildings.  Link follows the path north, to his right.  As he reaches the top of the next hill, Link can see the other half of the field.  He is facing north.  East of him there is a stream flowing from behind a rock wall.  Northeast of Link is a tall mountain with a ring of smoke encircling the peak.  To the west is the fenced in area, and directly in front of him is Hyrule Castle.  The sun is setting, bathing the magnificent structure in pink and orange.  The actual castle is far off in the distance.  In front of it is a town that is protected by a high wall and a moat.  The drawbridge is down, allowing a way across the water.  Link stands awestruck for a moment.)

Link: It's beautiful…

Navi: Yeah, whatever.  The Princess must live in that castle.  Let's hurry before it gets dark.

Link: (Snaps out of it) Huh?  Oh, yeah.  Okay, let's go.

(They run/fly down the hill towards the castle town.  They are almost there, when a wolf howls.  The drawbridge begins to rise.)

Link: Aww, man!  We missed it.

Navi: Oh, well, I guess we can just sleep out here for the night.

(Suddenly a skeleton pops out of the ground)

Navi: (Groans) Oh, great.  Stalchildren.

Link: (While unsheathing his sword) What are they?

Navi: Just dumb skeletons that attack travelers at night.  They won't bother you if you stay on the path.

Link:  Well, then let's get to the path!  (Starts to run back to the path, when a stalchild pops up in front of him.)

Stalchild: Grr!

Link: DIE! (Kills it) 

(Link runs a few feet, when another Stalchild pops out of the ground.)

Stalchild: (Swings arm at Link)

Link: (Blocks with his shield, then kills it with his sword) 

Stalchild: AGH!

(A few skeletons later, Link reaches the path.  He is badly bruised, and he collapses in a heap.)

Link: (Breathing heavily) Okay…*Gasp,* what now *Gasp,* Navi?

Navi: Watch out!

Link: AAH!  (Rolls to the side as a skeleton arm comes slashing through the air towards him.)  I thought you said they couldn't come on the path!  (Kills the Stalchild)

Navi: No, I said they wouldn't bother you if you stay on the path.  They can't hear your footsteps, so they won't come out of the ground.  That one was already out.

(A/N:  For those of you who don't know, this actually works in the game!  If you stay on the path at night, the Stalchildren won't come out of the ground.)

Link: Okay, whatever.  Are there any more?

Navi: I don't see any.

Link: Good, then I'm going to sleep.  (Lays down)

Navi: Goodnight.

Link: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…

Navi: (Flies into Link's hat)

Narrator:  Meanwhile…

(The scene shows the bank of the stream.  The water is rushing by noisily.  Suddenly, some nearby bushes begin to rustle.  Out pops Bernie, the mischievous Mafia weasel from Chapter One)

Bernie: Hey Fred, ya got da goods?

Fred: (Pops out of the bushes holding a handful of deflated balloons.) I got 'em Bernie.

Bernie: Good, let's hurry up and fill dese.

(They begin filling the balloons with water)

Narrator:  What could these weasels be up to?  Why would they want a bunch of water balloons?  As the story unfolds, we are sure to find out.  The next day…

(It is morning.  The scene shows Link lying in the middle of the path.  All traces of the skeletons are gone.  A rooster crows, and the drawbridge in front of Hyrule Castle Town rises.  Link sits up and yawns.)

Navi: Get up Link!  Today's the day you meet the Princess of Hyrule!

Link: Yay.

Navi: Well, get up already!  We don't have all day!

Link: Oh, the princess can wait.

Navi: Link, if you don't get up now we'll be stuck in this chapter forever.

Link: Oh, well that changes everything!  (Gets up)  To the castle!

(Navi flies into Link's hat, and Link jogs up to the drawbridge.  He runs inside.  The stage lights dim as the scene changes.  When they come back on, you see a big cardboard castle in the background.  In front of it is a bustling market with crowds gathered around shops.  There are many signs advertising different businesses.  People are everywhere.)

Link: Wow!  Look at all the shops!  I wanna go to that one!  (Points at the Bombchu Bowling Alley.)

Navi: Maybe later.  The Great Deku Tree said to talk to the Princess.  Let's ask someone if they know the way to the castle.

Link: (Is staring at someone)

Navi: Link?  Hello?

Link: (Mouth drops open)

Navi: Hey Link, snap out of it!

Link: Huh?  Oh, yeah.  Ask somebody.  Let's ask _her_.  (Points to a girl about his age with long, red hair.)

Navi: (Rolls eyes) Oh, give me a break, Link.  You're only ten.  You'll never see her again, and she won't even remember you a year from now.

Link: I'll take what I can get.  (Walks up to her)  Hi!  My name is Link.  I'm new around town.  I need to talk to the Princess of Hyrule.  Do you know where I can find her?

Girl: (With a western accent) Princess Zelda?  She's up at the castle.  Just go through that there opening and you c'n find the road that leads up there.  By the way, my name's Malon.  (Shakes his hand with an iron grip)

Link: OW!

Malon: Whatsa matter, Link?

Link: (Through gritted teeth) Nothing.

Malon: Oh, Okay!  Anyway, as long as you're up there, would you mind lookin' fer my dad?  He's up there deliverin' some milk from our ranch and hasn't come back yet.  (Mumbling) Probably fell asleep on the job again…

Link: Sure, I'll look for him!  (Still wincing from the brutal handshake)

Malon: Okay.  See ya later!

Link: Bye.  (Walks off towards the castle)

(On stage right you can see the castle.  It looks so pure and majestic in the sunlight.   Link continues to follow the path north.  You can see that it winds back west, towards the castle.  Link hasn't walked far before he comes to a gate with a guard watching his every move.)

Guard: (Eyeing Link suspiciously) You there!  Come over here!

Link: (Timidly) Me?

Guard:  Yeah, you, kid.  Come here.

Link: (Walks over) Uh, yes sir?

Guard: You look suspicious kid.  What are you up to?

Link: Uh, I'm here to see the Princess.

Guard:  (Stares at him for a moment) *Blink, Blink* BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!  You're serious, aren't you?  AHAHAHAHAHAAA!!   Okay kid, I'll humor you.  Show me some I.D.

Link:  (Getting angry) I.D.?  

Guard: Don't have any?  Just as I suspiciously suspected.  Sorry, kid.  No one sees Princess Zelda without proof of an appointment.

Link: (Mumbles to himself)

Navi: What was that?

Link: Nothing.  Let's go back to town.   (They begin to head back.)  We can sneak in at night, steal the keys from the guard while he's asleep, and then… Yaah!

Malon:  Hi, Link!

Navi: Oh, it's just her.

Malon:  Ooh, a fairy!  (To Link) I didn't know you were a fairy boy!

Link: (Cringes) Please don't call me that.

Malon: Okay, Fairy Boy.  So did ya'll find my dad yet?

Link: No.  The guard wouldn't let us in.

Malon:  Why don't ya climb up these here vines, Fairy Boy?  And when ya find 'im, give 'im this.  (Hands Fai- uh, Link an egg)

YOU GOT THE ODD EGG!  WAIT UNTIL MORNING TO SEE WHAT HATCHES OUT OF IT.  GO TO THE ITEM SUBSCREEN ON THE START MENU, AND EQUIP IT WITH THE "C" BUTTONS TO USE IT.

Link: Thanks, I guess.

Malon:  Yer welcome, Fairy Boy.  After yer done talkin' to the Princess, come on down and visit us at our ranch.  It's just south of the castle.

Link: Okay, thanks.

Malon: See ya'll later.   (Walks off)

Link:  Okay.  (Spits on his hands then rubs them together.)  Here I go.   (Starts climbing)

Narrator:  After hours of grueling exercise, Link finally makes it to the top.

(It is nighttime) 

Link: *Huff, Puff* Whoa, man, what a workout.

Navi: It's not over.  You still have to get to the castle without being seen.

Link: Aw, man!

(Link dodges guards, climbs over hills, hides behind trees, and generally makes a fool of himself trying to keep from getting caught.  Finally, he reaches the castle gate.  By now it is nighttime.)

Link: (Screeches to a stop)

SFX: SCREEEEECH!

Navi: Well, that was completely unnecessary.

Link: Shh.  There are two guards there.  We have to find another way around.

Navi: What about that wall over there?  Some of the bricks are sticking out.  Maybe you could climb it.

Link: (Nods, and then runs over to the wall and climbs it.)

(The two guards hear a noise and snap their heads toward  the wall.

Guard1: Did you hear that?

Guard 2: Yeah, it sounded like-

SFX:  PALOOSH!

(Link has jumped into the castle moat)

Guard 2: Hey!  Stop right there.

(The two guards run alongside the water.)

Guard 1: (Stops under a tree to catch his breath.)   Where'd he go?

SFX: Clunk!

Guard 1: Unh… (Passes out)

Guard 2: Hey, what the-

SFX: Clunk!

Guard 2: (Passes out)

(Link drops out of the tree and puts away his slingshot, which he had used to knock the guards unconscious.)

Link: Okay, let's go.

(They continue along the side of the moat until they find a man lying on his side.)

Navi: Should we wake him up?

Link: Nah, let him sleep.  I'm tired.  (Lies down behind some crates of milk)   Goodnight, Navi.

(The next morning, a high-pitched crow awakens Link.)

Link: Ahh!  What in the name of the three golden goddesses was that!?

Cucco: ERRR-ER-ERR-ERR-ERRRRR!!!

Man on the ground: What in tarnation!?

Link: Who are you?

Man: I'm Talon.  I was out here deliverin' milk, an'ah guess ah fell asleep.  Aw, ah sure hope  Malon's- Oh, no!  Malon!  She's gonna tan mah hide!  AAAAAAAAAHHH!!!  (Runs off crying)

Link: *Blink*  What was that  all about?

Navi: I don't know, but it got him out of the way.  Try to push those milk crates into the water so you can jump to that little hole.

Link: What hole?

Navi: _That_ one.

Link: Oh!  Okay!  (Pushes the two milk crates into the water, climbs on top of them, jumps across, and crawls through the hole that a trickle of water is coming out of.)

(The scene changes to the castle courtyard.  There are hedge mazes leading down a long hallway.  Guards are swarming the place.)

Link:  (Walks up to a guard) Hey, I'll give you all my rupees if you take me to Princess Zelda.

Guard: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, right kid, like I'm gonna let you bribe me?

Link: What about this nifty slingshot?

Guard: Come on, son let's go find your parents.

Link: How about the fairy?

Navi: Hey!

Guard: OOOH!   I've always wanted a fairy, but my mommy never gave me one!  (Grabs at Navi)

Link: (Catches his hand) Take me to the princess first.

Guard: (Straightens into a smart salute) YESSIR!

(They march off to see the princess)

************************************************************************

What will Princess Zelda be like?  What new information will she have for Link?  How long until the next chapter?  Find out next time on: The Legend of Zelda- The Real Story- Ocarina of Time.

Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo, the Legend of Zelda, or anything else, really.  Even the keyboard that I'm typing with was borrowed from my brother.  (Isn't that pathetic?)

Okay, people.  Today's date is July 18, 2003.  This ticks me off.  It took the whole summer to write one chapter!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?   Something **_WILL!!!!!!!_**  Be done about this. Oh, yes!  By the way, I am starting the Majora's Mask story very soon, AND my original Zelda fic, with my own plot, and even more freedom to be random. Heh, heh.  I am _so_ going to enjoy this. –Jacoman52

This has been a Jacoman 52 production.


	4. Quest for the Spiritual Stones

            Hey everyone, I'm back with chapter four!  From now on, introductions will be short, so we can get straight to the point.  When we last left Link, he had bribed the castle guard into taking him to Princess Zelda. This chapter will consist of Zelda's castle, Lon-Lon Ranch, and Kokiri Forest.  Today is: September 6, 2003.

(The scene is in the big auditorium.  The crowd is larger than before.  Everyone is munching on his or her popcorn, when the curtain opens.  The strangely familiar Director walks out.)

Director: Greetings, and welcome to the straight-and-to-the-point chapter of LOZ-TRS-OoT.  Let's get straight to the point.  (Walks off)

Audience: *Mumble, mumble, murmur, murmur*

Chapter 4: Quest for the Spiritual Stones

Act 1, Scene 4- Zelda's castle

Characters: 

Link: Boy Hero

Navi: Guardian Fairy

Zelda: Princess of Hyrule 

Saria: Link's best friend

Malon: Daughter of Talon

Talon: Owner of Lon Lon Ranch

Epona: Malon's horse

Ingo: Stubborn Lon Lon Ranch hand

Impa: Zelda's Nanny

King of Hyrule: King of Hyrule (DUH!)

Ganondorf: King of the Gerudos

Mido: Boss of the Kokiri

Random guards

Random monsters

One Random Goron

(The guard leads Link to the castle courtyard.)

Guard: Alright, kid, gimme the fairy.

Link: (Smiles mischievously) Okay… (Puts Navi into his slingshot)

Navi: No!  Link what are you-

Link: (Pulls back, and-)

SFX: WHAP!

Guard & Navi: Unh… (Both collapse)

Link: Hehhehheh.

Mysterious Voice From Above: Oh, you played this one good, didn't you kid?

Link: Huh? (Looks around) Who's there?

MVFA: You get rid of everybody so you can have the princess to yourself.

(Suddenly, with a bright flash of light, Jacoman52 appears)

Jacoman52: You DARE toy with the laws of fanfiction!?!

Link: Uh, yes.

Jacoman52: Oh.  Well stop it.  I can't even do that.  (Revives Navi and sends the guard away.)  We do have to follow a script here.  (Disappears)

Link: (Blinks) Well that was completely pointless.

Navi: What was?

Link: Never mind.

(Link walks up to Princess Zelda, who is looking through a window with her back towards him.  She hasn't heard any of the commotion.)

Link: (Looks over Zelda's shoulder) Whatcha lookin' at?

Zelda: YIPE!  (Turns around) Who are you?  How did you get past the guards?  What are you- Hey!  Is that a fairy!?!

Link: Uh, yeah.

Zelda: Sweet!  Then you must be from the forest!

Link: Uh, yeah.

Zelda: Then, do you have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest?

Link: What, you mean the Kokiri's Emerald?  (Holds it out to her.)

Zelda: I knew it!  This is amazing!

Link: (Looks confused)

Zelda: Oh, sorry.  I was so excited I didn't introduce myself.  (Stands up regally)  I am Zelda, Princess of Hyrule.

Link: Okay.

Zelda: What's your name?

Link: (Gets an odd look in his eye) You can call me whatever you want.

Navi: (Slaps him) Tell the woman your name!

Link: Ow!  Oh, uh, my name's Link.

Zelda: (Giggles) Hi Link.  Can I tell you why I was so excited?

Link: Sure, I guess

Zelda: Heehee!  It's because I had a dream.  In my dream, I saw a dark cloud come over the land of Hyrule.  Suddenly, a light shot out of the forest and parted the clouds.  It changed into a figure holding the Spiritual Stone of the Forest.

Link: And you think it was me?

Zelda: I KNOW it is.  I told my father the dream, but he didn't believe me. I know, though, that it is prophecy.  Can I trust you with a secret?

Link: Sure.

Zelda: You have to promise not to tell anybody.

Link: Okay, I promise.

Zelda: There is a legend, kept by the royal family of Hyrule…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

                                          (Insert dreamy chimes and bells)

Zelda: When the golden goddesses who created this land left, they put the Triforce into a Sacred Realm between Hyrule and the heavens.

(The scene shows the Triforce surrounded by light.)

Zelda: They appointed seven ancient Sages to guard the Triforce.  The Sages built the Temple of Light to guard the Triforce, and the Temple of Time to prevent evil from entering the Sacred Realm.

(The scene shows silhouettes of a Kokiri, a Goron, a Zora, a Sheikah, a Gerudo, and a fat old man.  All are male.  The silhouettes melt into balls of green, red, blue, purple, orange, and yellow light.  The balls of light begin spinning in a circle, and in between them, a beautiful building begins to form.  It is the most majestic structure ever seen, and it gives off its own white light.  Next, the glowing balls come down to Hyrule and slam into the ground.  There is a flash of light, and the Temple of Time appears.)

Zelda: The pathway into the Sacred Realm is blocked by the Door of Time.

(The scene shows the Door of Time, and then moves back to show an altar in front of it.)

Zelda: The Spiritual Stones are the keys to the Door of Time.  You already have one, there are two more to find.

(The scene shows the three Spiritual Stones floating above the Temple of Time.  Suddenly, the stones shoot off into different directions.  The green one goes to the forest, the red one shoots to the top of a mountain, and the blue one shoots behind a waterfall.)

(The vision ends)

The last key is the Ocarina of Time.  Once you get the three Spiritual Stones and play the ocarina at the Altar of Time, the door will open.

Link: Why are you telling me all this?

Zelda: Take a look at this.  (She motions for Link to come to the window.)  That man in there.  His name is Ganondorf, king of the Gerudos that hail to the desert far southwest of here.  He swears allegiance with my father, but I think he's lying.

Link: (Looks inside the window)

(Scene: The king's throne room.  It's decorated with majestic stuff.  Ganondorf walks in.  He is green in color, and has a very long nose.)

Link: Is that why you think he's a liar?

SFX: Ba dum chi!

Zelda: (Rolls eyes)

Ganondorf: (Bows) Your Majesty…

King of Hyrule: Ganondorf, I am grateful that you and your Gerudo have chosen to ally with us.

Ganondorf: (A wicked smile comes across his face.)  I am yours to command, Your Majesty.  (Glances at Link out of the corner of his eye.)

Link: *Gasp* (Recoils.  Realizes it's the same man from his dream.  The same man that poisoned the Great Deku Tree.)

Zelda: What happened?  Did he see you?  It doesn't matter.  He doesn't know what we're planning.  Yet.  Link!  Ganondorf must be after nothing less than the Triforce!  We have to get it before he does.  Go find the other two Spiritual Stones and bring them to me.  We'll open the Door of Time and save Hyrule!  Go now.  My attendant will lead you out of the castle.  Don't be afraid of her.  She has taken care of me for many years.

Link: (Nods, then walks toward the exit.)

Zelda: Oh, wait!  Take this letter.  It should give you passage to wherever you need to go.

Link: (Takes it)

YOU GOT ZELDA'S LETTER!  IT HAS ZELDA'S AUTOGRAPH ON IT.  SHOW IT TO PEOPLE THAT WON'T LET YOU PASS.  EQUIP IT WITH THE "C" BUTTONS.

Link: Thanks.  (Walks away)

(Zelda's attendant is a muscular woman with short shorts and body armor.  She wears the eye symbol of the ancient Sheikah across her chest.)

Impa: Hello, Link.  I am Impa.  I have been Zelda's caretaker and nanny since she was a baby.  My role in the Princess' dream was to teach the figure a song.  I have sung it to Zelda every night since she was born.  Listen to Zelda's Lullaby:

Link: Takes out his Fairy Ocarina.

(A/N: In this fic, the notes are as follows: dee = ^, doo = , dah = , dun =▼, doh = A)

Impa: (Whistling through her fingers) ….^….….….^…. Doooo dee daaaaah, da-dun doooo dee daaaaah, daaah, doo dee, dee doooo, doo dah duuuuun!

Link: (On Ocarina) ….^….….….^…. Doo dee dah, doo dee dah!

(Link's ocarina sparkles as music plays in the background.)

YOU LEARNED ZELDA'S LULLABY!  THIS SONG SIGNIFIES THAT YOU HAVE A CONNECTION WITH THE ROYAL FAMILY.

Impa: Come, the guards will be suspicious.  I'll lead you out of the castle.

(Scene: Hyrule Field.  Impa is standing with her back to Link looking into the distance.)

Impa: You brave young lad.  We must save this beautiful land of ours.  There is a village at the base of that mountain.  It is called Kakariko, and it's where I was raised.  It used to be a Sheikah village, but I am the only Sheikah left now.  Go there to gain access to Death Mountain.  You will find the next Spiritual Stone there.  And now, Link, I have important matters to attend to.  (Throws a magical stone on the ground and vanishes in a flash of light.)

Link: Where'd she go?

Navi: How should I know?

Link: Oh, well.  I guess it's off to that big ranch in the middle of the field.

Navi: But Impa said-

Link: Who cares what she said?  The script says that the ranch is where Malon lives.  (Gets dreamy look in his face) Malon's pretty…

Navi: (Rolls eyes) Fine, we can go see Malon.

(Link and Navi make their way up the hill to the ranch.  As they go inside, they hear a hideous noise.)

Hideous Noise: OOOOOOO OOOOOO  OOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Navi: AAGH!  Make it stop!

Link: (Searches for some way to escape) In here!

(They run into a building at the right of the entrance.  Inside is a stable.  There is a man cleaning out one of the stalls.)

Link: Um, excuse me sir, but do you know what that noise is?

Man: Oh, like I would know!

Link: Uh, sorry, I-

Man: I'm just a lowly worker of this here ranch while that lazy bum Talon gets all the money.  I tell ya, if there were any democracy in this world then I would be in charge and not that fat, lazy pig!  If only there was some evil maniacal ruler who conquered Hyrule and gave me control of the ranch…  But that'll never happen.  By the way, my name's Ingo. (Extends a hand to Link.) (Sarcastically) _Pleased _ta meetcha.

Link: (Whispers to Navi) I think we'd better take our chances with the demonic howling.

Navi: (Whispers back) I'm with you.

(They slowly to back up.)

Ingo: Fine!  _Don't_ show me any courtesy!  See if I care.   One of these days…

(Link and Navi back out of the stable SLOWLY.  They close the door.)

Navi: Where to now, Link?

Link: I guess we should go find out what that noise is.

Navi: It's coming from that field over there.

(They walk over to the fence surrounding the pasture in the center of the ranch.  Malon is standing in the center.)

Malon: Hey, Fairy Boy!

Link: Hey, Navi, it's Malon!  

Navi: (Sarcastically) Wow, you're observant.

Link: (Runs through the gate towards Malon.)  Do you know what that sound was, Malon?

Malon: What, ya mean mah singin'?

Link: O.O  SINGING!?!

Malon: Yeah, that's right.  Mah momma taught it to me 'fore she passed on.

Link: I'm sorry.

Malon: Aw, it's okay.  Epona here seems to like the song, though.  (Gestures toward a small pony standing next to her.)

Link: (Reaches out to pet Epona)

Epona: NEEIGH!  (Runs away)

Malon: Aw, don't worry.  She's kinda shy.  Maybe she'll come back if we sing the song.

Link: _We_?  Uh uh.  I don't sing.

Navi: Link, what about your Ocarina?

Link: Oh, yeah.  (Takes out the Fairy Ocarina)

Malon: Oh, good!  You can play with me while I sing.  Listen to Epona's Song.  (Singing) ^….….….^….…. Dee dah doo, Dee dah doo, Dee dah doo daah dooo!

Link: (On Ocarina) ^….….….^….…. Dee dah doo, dee dah doo!

YOU LEARNED EPONA'S SONG!  THIS SONG ATTRACTS MALON'S HORSE, EPONA!

Epona: (Runs over to Link) 

Malon:  Aw, she likes you Fairy Boy.

Epona: (Thinking) _This kid's terrible!  I'VE GOTTA GET HIM OUT OF MY PASTURE!  _(Begins shoving Link out of the field)

Link: (Being shoved) Uh, bye Malon!

Malon: See ya Fairy Boy.

(Link is shoved out of the pasture by Epona and Navi flies after him.)

Link: (Dusts himself off) Okay, now I'm ready to go to Kakari- wait, what's that sound?

Navi: (Groans) Link, stop stalling.  We have to save the world, remember?

Link: Hold on. (Listens carefully) It's coming from in here.

(They walk/fly over to Malon's house, which is across from the stable.)

Noise: SSSSSSCCHHHNNNOOOORRRRLLLLKKK KKK KKK SNCHAAWWWNNNKK!!!!!

Navi: Dear goddesses, what is that?

Link: SHH!!  (Quietly opens door)

(Link and Navi peer inside to find…)

Link & Navi: TALON!?!

Talon: Schnort! (Wakes up.  Or… not.)  WAAAAHH!! Die, Margaret!  I'll kill you like I did last time!  (Hurls a pitchfork at Link.)

Link: AAAIIIEEE!!!  (Ducks)

(The pitchfork narrowly misses Link's head and takes his cap off.)

Talon: DIIIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!  (Throws a cucco at Link)

Cucco: Bagawk!

Link: (Holds up the pitchfork)

Cucco: GAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!  (Dies………But not before calling his friends.)

(A swarm of a billion cuccos flies out of the sky.)

(A/N: *Haha.  I didn't do those initials on purpose, either.  [Southwestern Bell/ SBC])

*S.B.C: BAGAAAAAWWKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Navi: Sweet Nayru! Link, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: (Runs)

S.B.C: (Slam into Link and shove him inside the house.)

Link: Uh, Navi?

Navi: Uh, Link?

Talon: What in tarnation!?!?!

S.B.C: (Glare menacingly at them.)

Narrator: Suddenly…

(Three golden, glowing cuccos jump out from behind Talon.  They are the Super Cuccos.  In a fowl scene of violence, they proceed to massacre the Swarm of a Billion Cuccos.)

(Insert scene of disturbing violence, with flying feathers and blood spraying all over the place.  When it's over, dead cuccos and feathers are lying all over the floor.)

Talon: Ah'm RICH!  And ah didn't even hafta do nuthin!  The ranch's poultry income'll go up 500%!!!  Thanks kid!  I owe ya!  Here, take this in exchange.  It ain't much, but in approximately seven years I'll be rich enough to pay ya back fer real.  (Hands Link a bottle of Lon-Lon Milk.)

YOU GOT LON-LON MILK!  IT'S VERY REVITALIZING.  SET IT TO  "C" TO DRINK IT.  WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED, YOU CAN USE THE BOTTLE TO STORE OTHER THINGS.

(Link and Navi leave the ranch.  They hear Talon rejoicing in the background.)

Link: (Skipping along) Wow, Navi!  This is great!  Two songs in one chapter, and now I get a bottle of milk.  I bet Saria would be impressed.

Navi: Hey, I was supposed to suggest that we go see Saria.

Link: Really?  Why?

Navi: So that you can learn the song needed to get the next Spiritual Stone.

Link: *Gasp* Navi!  Have you been reading ahead in the script?

Navi: (Blushes) Never mind that.  Let's go see Saria.

(Link and Navi leave Lon-Lon Ranch, travel across Hyrule Field, and arrive at Kokiri Forest that night.  Lucky for me [the author], nothing important happened during that time, so I don't have to write about it.)

(Kokiri Forest:  Everything is quiet, and all the Kokiri are asleep.)

Link: Wow.  It sure is quiet around here.  I hope nothing bad happened.

Mido: (Sneaks up behind Link) Oh, nothing much.

Link & Navi: EEP!  (Jump six feet)

Navi: Hey, it's that little creep from the first chapter.

Link: (Eyes narrow, voice becomes sinister) Mido.

Mido: Like I was saying, nothing bad has happened…  Except that we burned your tree down.

Link: My HOUSE?!?!

Mido: No, just your tree.  (Rolls eyes) Saria wouldn't let us destroy your whole house.

Link: (Lunges at Mido's throat)

Navi: (Grabs Link by the back of his collar.)  Down, boy.  We came here to see Saria, not assassinate your childhood tormentor.

Link: *Sigh* I guess you're right.

Mido: (Smirks)  Anyway, we planted a new tree.  It should grow big enough in, oh, about seven years!  HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!

Link: (Quivers with fury)

Navi: Just tell us where Saria is you little punk!

Mido: Oh, she's off in the Lost Woods meditating.  She said to tell you to meet her at the usual spot, whatever that means.

Link: (Face brightens) The Sacred Forest Meadow!  I've been there plenty of times.  Come on Navi, let's go.  (Rams his shoulder into Mido as they walk away.)

Mido: (Glares at Link for a long time, then walks back to his house.)

(Link and Navi walk up the hill behind Link's house, and step into the Lost Woods.  There is a song echoing through the trees.)

Navi: What's that music?

Link: Oh, that's the song that Saria always plays while she's meditating.  I think it helps her hear the voices of the spirits or something.  (Sheepishly) Actually, it's the only way I can ever get to the Sacred Forest Meadow.  I can never remember.

Navi: Well, let's follow it.  The sooner we get to Saria, the sooner you learn your next song.

Link: Okay.  I think it's coming from this way.

(Link and Navi make their way through the forest, following the song.  Finally, they reach the Sacred Forest Meadow.  In front of them is a human maze.)

Navi: Be careful Link.  You never know what could be lurking around the corner.

Link: (Pulls out his sword and shield) Yes!!  That means there's finally going to be some action!  (Leaps around the first corner of the maze, only to be pelted by Deku Nuts.)  AAAAHH!!!!  DEKU SCRUBS!!! 

Navi: (Peers around the corner) Link, these are Mad Scrubs.  They shoot three nuts at a time, and are harder to kill than regular Deku Scrubs.

Link: Well, KILL THEM!

Navi: Hey, you're the one with the sword!

Link: (Takes a deep breath) Okay, here goes. HIYA!  (Jumps into the maze and immediately puts his shield up.)

Deku Scrub: (Gets hit by a deflected seed) WAAH!  (Pops out of the ground and begins running around)

Link: DIE, you pitiful excuse for a salad!!!!  (Slices it in half)

Deku Scrub: AAIIEEE!!!  (Shrivels up, and hearts pop out of it)

Link: Yummy!  (Eats the hearts) Ahh.  That's better.

Navi: (Shudders) That's just nasty.

Link: What?

Navi: Eating hearts!  It's indecent!

Link: (Shrugs) Whatever.  (Steps around another corner and kills another Deku Scrub.)

Deku Scrub: EEK! (Dies)

(This continues for a while.  During this time, Link and Navi are making polite conversation.)

Link: So Navi, did you ever want to be something other than a fairy? (Stabs a Deku Scrub)

Navi: Actually, I used to want to be a tree.  I've always wanted to just sit there and be called the Guardian of the Forest and have people worship me without me having to do anything at all.

Link: (Hacks a scrub into bite-sized chunks) That has to be the stupidest thing I ever heard.  _I_ want to be a Hylian knight, so I can go off and save girls and stuff.  (Starts chopping up a Deku Scrub- until he realizes it's just a bush.

Navi: (Rolls eyes) How romantic.

(They arrive at the pathway leading to the Forest Temple.  Link walks up, when suddenly two Wolfos jump out of the ground.)

Wolfos: OOOWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!!!!!!!!

Link: ACK!  What are those, Navi?

Navi: They're called Wolfos.  Their skin is tough, so try to hit them on their back or stomach.

Link: (Nods)

(The first Wolfos begins circling Link.  Suddenly, he rears up and prepares to swing his arm at the boy hero.  Link quickly swings his sword in an upward motion, slicing the Wolfos on the belly.)

Wolfos 1: OOOWWWoooo!!  (Swings arm at Link)

Link: (Jumps put of the way, then stabs at the Wolfos' chest.)

Wolfos 1: AUGH!!  (Dies)

(Wolfos # 2 lunges at Link.  Link backflips out of the way, and brings his sword down on the Wolfos' back with a jump attack.)

Wolfos 2: ROOWWRRR!!!  (Dies)

Navi: Way to go, Link!

Link: (Stops to catch his breath for a moment) Okay, I'm ready.

(They walk down the hallway, killing the few Deku Scrubs that are there.  They walk up the stairway at the end of the corridor to find Saria playing her Ocarina, sitting on a stump at the far end of the meadow.)

Link: (Jogs over to Saria) Saria!  Hey!

Saria: (Stops playing and looks up) Link?!  Is it really you?  It's been so long!

Link: Uh, it's only been, what, three days?

Saria: Yeah, but when you spend every day of your life in a forest seeing the same people everyday, it kinda has an impact when one of them is suddenly gone.

Link: (Nods, then bursts out with emotion.) Saria, you should be as much of an outcast as I am.  You spend most of your time talking to forest spirits.  I try to act like the rest of the Kokiri.  So why do they alienate ME?

Navi: Wow, big words.

Saria: Link, there's something different about you.  You aren't like the rest of the Kokiri.  We can all sense it, and it makes some of them afraid.  Sure, they may see talking to spirits as being a little quirky, but it's completely harmless.  Anyway, I guess the reason that we're so close is that I AM an outsider, too.  

Link: But what did I do?  What did I do to make them afraid of me?

Saria: *Sigh* I don't know.  Maybe you'll find out during your travels.  Maybe that's the purpose of you going on this adventure: to find yourself.

Link: Maybe…

Saria: (Smiles) Link, I'm glad you came back to visit.  I feel like this place will be important to us in the future.  (Face Brightens up) Hey!  I just had an idea.  

Link: What?

Saria: You know the song I was playing a minute ago?  The one I use to talk to the forest spirits?

Link: Yeah, what about it?

Saria: Well, now that you have an Ocarina, we can use that song to talk to each other through our Ocarinas!

Navi: (Whispers to Link) Told ya!

Saria: Listen to Saria's Song: ▼….….….▼….…. Dun da doo, dun da doo, dun da doo dee doo, doo da dee doo daaaaa, da dun da duuuuun!

Link: ▼….….….▼….…. Dun da doo, Dun da doooo!

YOU LEARNED SARIA'S SONG!  USE IT TO TALK TO YOUR BEST FRIEND, SARIA!

Link: WHO is saying that!?

Navi: Yeah, it's kinda creeping me out.

Saria: What are you guys talking about?  I didn't hear anything.

Link: (Shrugs) Oh, well.  I guess it's off to find the next Spiritual Stone.  Bye Saria!

Saria: Bye! Call me!

Link: (To Navi) Where did Impa say the stone was?

Navi: Death Mountain.  The big volcano behind Kakariko village.

Link: That was real smart, building their town at the base of a volcano.  No wonder the Sheikah are extinct.

Navi: (Rolls eyes) Don't be a jerk, Link.

Link: I'm saving the world.  I can be as big a jerk as I want.

(Link climbs up the ladder at the back of the maze and begins hopping across the tops of the walls.  He starts shooting at the Mad Scrubs below with his slingshot.)

Link: So, what should I wish for, once I get the Triforce?  (Shoots a scrub)

Navi: I think you should concentrate on getting the next Spiritual Stone, first.

Link: (Shoots another Mad Scrub) Ah, it's gonna be a piece of cake.  (Pelts one in the head three times and kills it.)

Navi: I wouldn't be so sure.

Link: (Jumps off the maze, leaving terrified Mad Scrubs behind.) Oh yeah?  Why not?  Have you been reading ahead on the script?

Navi: Maybe…

(Link and Navi backtrack through the Lost Woods, leave Kokiri Forest, and travel across Hyrule Field, slaying plenty of Stalchildren along the way.  They are now in front of the bridge that leads across the river to Kakariko Village.)

Link: Hya!  (Chops a Stalchild's head off) Take that!  (Slashes its arm off)

(Two Stalchildren appear on the other side of the bridge.  They are larger than usual.  Link runs towards them, and at the last minute rolls right between them.  The Stalchildren swing their arms at Link and miss, hitting each other.)

Stalchildren: WAAAHH!!  (Die)

Link: Ha!  Let's see you try _that_ in the game.

(Link and Navi run up the stairway leading into Kakariko.  Kakariko is a small town with plenty of houses, and a few shops.  At the east end of town is a well with a giant windmill behind it.  To the north is Death Mountain.)

Link: Come on Navi, let's explore!

Navi: There will be plenty of time for that later, but because we wasted so much time in the last few chapters, the author wants us to get the Spiritual Stone first.

Link: Aw, man.  I hate authors!

Navi: Shh!  Don't let him hear you say that!

Link: Why not?

Navi: He's an author!!  The guy has complete control of what happens in this fanfic.

Link: Oh.  Well, let's do as the all-powerful author wishes.

(Link and Navi head to the north end of town, only to find that a gate and a Hylian guard block the path to the mountain.

Guard: Hold it right there, son.  You can't go through here without royal permission.  It's too dangerous.  Orders of the King.

Link: Hey, wait a minute!  I've got permission.  (Hands the guard Zelda's letter)

Guard: What's this?  (Mumbling to himself) Permission to save the world… (Out loud) WAAAHAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!!!  What kind of crazy game is the princess playing this time!?!  AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!  Okay Mr. Hero, you can go through.  But first I need you to sign this release.  (Hands Link a piece of paper and a pen)

Link: What is it?

Guard: Basically it just means that if you die, your parents can't sue me.

Link: Oh.  Okay!  (Signs it) There.

Guard: Thanks.  Oh, if you actually make it to the Goron city, will you remind Darunia that this Friday is our poker night?

Link: Uh, sure.

Guard: Thanks.  See ya round… Hero Boy!!!  AHAAHAAHAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: (Scowls) Come on, Navi!  (Walks out onto the path.)

(Link and Navi begin travel up the mountain.)

Navi: Link, watch out!

Link: Huh?  Yikes!  (Dodges a large, four legged red spider that comes hurtling through the air.)  What was that?

Navi: It's a red Tektite.  Don't worry, they aren't very strong.  A downward slice should easily finish them off.

(The Tektite turns around and jumps at Link.  Link rolls under it and turns to face it.  He kills it with a jump attack.)

Tektite: RRREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  (Dies)

Link: Uh oh, here come more of them.  (Settles into a fighting stance)

(Sure enough, two more Tektites come around the next corner.  One jumps at Link, and he stabs it in the stomach in midair.  With the first Tektite still impaled on his sword, Link slices down on the second one.  Both Tektites die and are consumed by magical fire. Link starts jogging up the mountain, killing any Tektites he finds along the way.)

Link: Navi, what's a Goron?  The Great Deku Tree told us about them back in the forest, but I don't really remember.

Navi: Gorons are- well, I'm not exactly sure what they are.  They look like rocks, and they eat rocks.  Their leader is Darunia- (Pauses to allow Link to kill a Tektite)  He's the one with the Spiritual Stone.

(Link and Navi walk up the mountain, passing several Gorons along the way, mistaking them for rocks.  Soon they reach a break in the trail.  A series of ledges leads up to the summit, and the path continues around a bend.  Link sits down on a "rock.")

Link: Phew!  I'm tired Navi.  I need to catch my breath.  Which way do we go now?

Navi: Why don't you ask him?

Link: Who?  (Looks around confusedly)

Goron whom Link is sitting on: Me!

Link: (Jumps off) YA!!  Holy Crap!!  It talked!

Goron: (Stands up) Of course I can talk, little boy.

Link: Whoa!  I'm guessing you're a Goron.

Goron: Duh.  What did you think you'd find on Death Mountain?  Zoras?  HAHAHAHAAA!!!

Link: (Scowls) You know, I'm getting real tired of people laughing at me.  I just want to find a Spiritual Stone.

Goron: Oh, I wouldn't know anything about that.  You should ask Big Brother Darunia.  He's very smart, you know.

Link: I see.  And where might we find him?

Goron: He's locked up in his room in the city.  (Points at the path leading around the bend) He's been real scared ever since some guy put a big rock in front of Dodongo's Cavern.

Link: Okay, thanks a lot.  (Link walks down the path, and is almost hit by a rolling Goron.)  Hey, watch it!

Rolling Goron: Sorry!

Link: (Shakes his head)  I have so many questions, Navi.  What is Dodongo's Cavern?  Why is it so important to the Gorons?  Why would someone want to seal it off?  Will Darunia be able to answer my questions?  

(They round a final curve in the trail, and come upon a cave in front of them.  The sign next to it reads: _Goron City- Home of the Rock Sirloin._)

Navi: I don't know, Link, but there's only one way to find out.

Link: (Nods, takes a deep breath, and plunges into the cave.)


	5. Dodongo Doom

            Back again, everyone!  Today's date is November 27, 2003.  What escapade is Link up to this time?  Well, if you stop reading this introduction, I'm sure you'll find out.

(Scene: Auditorium.  The audience is getting tired from having to wait so long.)

Director: (Walks out on stage) Good evening, ladies and gentleman!

Audience: Waah?!?  (Wake up)

Director: (Grins broadly) When we last left our hero, he was about to charge boldly into the depths of the Goron City.  What horrors, beauties, and wonders await him there?  If you stop listening to me blabber, I'm sure you'll find out.

(As the curtain opens, there are various murmurs from the audience such as, "Who is that guy?" and "Where have I seen him before?")

Chapter 5- Dodongo Doom

Act 1, Scene 5- Goron City

Characters:

Link: Boy Hero

Navi: Guardian Fairy

Darunia: Big Brother of the Gorons

Great Fairy of Power: Supernatural Prostitute

Ganondorf: King of the Gerudos 

Bernie & Fred: Mafia weasels

Random Gorons

Random Bad Guys

(Link rolls into Goron City.  He immediately leaps up into a fighter stance, looking around wildly.  Gorons stop what they are doing and stare at him strangely.)

Link: (Glances around nervously, then grabs the nearest Goron and holds the Kokiri Sword to his throat) Take me to your leader NOW!

Goron 1: Uh… okay.  (Grabs Link by the arm and slings him at hurricane force towards the bottom floor of Goron City, which is a LONG way down.  Before he hits the ground, he bounces off the giant Goron-shaped pot on the floor.)

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- oof!- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!  

SFX: Crunch!

Link: Ow…

Navi: Oh, goddesses, Link!  Are you okay?

Link: Unh… I think I broke my pelvis.

Navi: Oh no!

Link: And six ribs.

Navi: Oh my!

Link: And my legs.

Navi: Oh goodness!

Link: And my neck.

Navi: Oh well.

Link: (Sits up) Oh well!?!  I can barely move, and all you can say is "Oh well!?!?!?!"

Navi: Well, you _can_ move.

Link: (Stands up) I don't have to take this from you!  (Walks off, then shouts back over his shoulder) I CAN FIND THE SPIRITUAL STONE BY MYSELF!

(After about ten minutes of wandering around, Link makes his way back to Navi, who has simply asked a nearby Goron for directions.)

Link: Uh, Navi?

Navi: Yes, Link?

Link: Where is Darunia's room?

Navi: Say, "I'm a stupid loser."

Link: You're a stupid loser.

Navi: (Points) That door.  Play Zelda's Lullaby.

Link: ….^….….….^…. Doooo dee daaaaah, Doooo dee daaaaah!!!

(Link plays Zelda's Lullaby, and the stone door rises into the ceiling with a loud rumble.)

Link: (Walks through the doorway and down a short corridor.  At the end is a room with a large, muscular Goron standing in it.)

Darunia (AKA large, muscular Goron: Oh, great.  Not another jester.  Here I was, thinking the Royal Messenger has finally come, when they send in some dumb kid with a fairy.

Link: Hey, I'm not dumb!

Navi: Yes, you are.

Darunia: *Sigh* Will you just do your act and go away?

Link: What act?

Darunia: (Stares blankly at Link) Aren't you going to sing or something?

Link: I can't sing.

Darunia: (Rolls eyes) Is this some kind of joke, kid?  The other Gorons tell you I'm locked up in my room all depressed, and they grab you and throw you in here to cheer me up?  Is that it?

Navi: Well, you got the throwing part right.  We sort of skipped the telling.

Link: Ooh!  I love throw and tell!  Okay, what am I throwing?  (Acts like he's throwing a baseball)

Darunia: (Raises an eyebrow) You are quite possibly the worst jester I've ever seen.  (To himself)  Although, there was that guy from Texas A&M…

Link: Aww, come on!  Don't give up that easy!  (Playfully shoves Darunia)

Darunia: (Grabs Link's arm and twists it into a Judo wristlock)

Link: (Whimpers in pain)

Darunia: (Releases Link) Stupid kid!  If you can't cheer me up, then get outta here!

Link: Grr…  

Navi: (Whispers in Link's ear)

Link: O.O What!?  That's ridiculous!  Who would ever think of that?

Navi: Well, if we had stayed to talk to the other Gorons instead of attacking them, they might have told us.

Link: And how did you know about it?

Navi: (Blushes) Well, um… I, uh…

Link: *Gasp* Navi!  You've been reading ahead in the script!  

Navi: Okay, okay.  Last time, I promise.

Link: It better be.

Darunia:  What the heck are you talking about?!?! You guys are insane!  Get out of my room!  SECURITY!

Link: No, wait!  (Puts his Ocarina to his lips and plays Saria's Song)

▼….….….▼….….  Dun da doo, dun da doo!!!

Darunia: Huh?  What the?  (Foot starts wiggling) Can't…stop!

Navi: Play it again, Link!

Darunia: Oh, Oh, OH!  Oh YEAH!  What a hot beat!

Navi: Hit it!

(The lights go out, and a spotlight shines on Link and Darunia)

Link: (On Ocarina) Dun da doo!

Darunia: (Singing to Saria's Song in a deep, bass voice) Doo doo dee!

Both: dun da doo dee doo, doo da dee doo daaaaa, da dun da duuuuun!

Navi: (In a soprano voice) Doo doo dee, doo doo dee!

Goron Choir: dun da doo dee doo, doo da deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!

(The lights come back to normal, and all the Gorons go on about their business.  Link and Darunia sit on the floor, panting.)

Darunia: Wow.  That was an awesome song.  I wish I had the CD…  Anyway, I'm sorry for yelling at you.  It's just that I've been so hungry!  You see, this slightly discolored man from the desert came and demanded that I give him my Spiritual Stone of Fire.  I said no, so he sealed up Dodongo's Cavern with a huge boulder.  Now we Gorons can't get in there to eat the tasty and nutritious rock sirloin that we love.  I've tried to break the stone, but it wouldn't budge.

Link: If I break it open, will you give me the Spiritual Stone?

Darunia: (Stares at Link.  Blinks) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!  YOU!?!?  YOU open up Dodongo's Cavern!?  AND kill all the monsters inside?  I'd like to see you try!

Link: I can do it!

Navi: Uh, Link, this might be a little tougher than squashing an oversized spider.

Link: (Pulls out Ocarina) Would you like me to play the song again?

Darunia: (Wide eyes) No!  No, that's okay.  Geez kid, you're crazy!  Here, if you're going to take on the Dodongos, you'll need a little extra strength.  (Hands Link a bracelet)

YOU GOT THE GORON BRACELET!  THIS WILL ALLOW YOU TO LIFT THINGS YOU NORMALLY COULDN'T.  IT IS ESPECIALLY USEFUL FOR PICKING BOMB FLOWERS.

Link: What's a bomb flower?

Darunia: Oh, they're just explosive plants that we use for mining rock sirloin in Dodongo's Cavern.  Why do you ask?

Link: That voice, it-  (Shakes head) Never mind.

Darunia: Okay, see ya 'round, kid.

Link: Bye.  (Walks out the door while fastening the Goron Bracelet around his wrist.)

Goron 1: Well, do you want me to start making the funeral preparations?

Darunia: (Nods solemnly) It's really kinda sad.  Somebody that crazy, his parents probably disowned him.  We really need an asylum here in Hyrule.  Say, why don't you put that on my list of requests for the next time I visit the King of Hyrule.

Goron 1: Sure thing, sir!

(Meanwhile, Link and Navi are busy making their ascent to the top of Goron City)

Link: So do you think that this dungeon will be tougher?

Navi: Probably.  Dodongos are pretty scary.

Link: Well, the Gorons go mining in there, so they can't be that bad.

Navi: Yeah, but look at those guys!  I mean, for Din's sakes, they eat ROCKS!!!

Link: True…

(They reach the exit of the cave and walk outside.  Trotting up the path towards them are two men carrying a large wooden box.)

Link: Who are they?

Navi: (Flies up and reads the tags on their uniforms.)  Dampe's Deceased: Kakariko Village Funeral Home delivery service.

Link: Someone must have died.

Navi: (Muttering) Or someone's about to.

Link: What was that?

Navi: Nothing.

Narrator: Meanwhile…  
  


(The two weasels, Bernie and Fred, are struggling up the side of Death Mountain.  They are lugging a sack full of water balloons behind them.)

Bernie: *Gasp* Almost…*Gasp* Dere…

Fred: *Huff!* Is it really- *Huff, Puff!* Woith it, Bernie!?

Bernie: (Climbs up onto the ledge that Dodongo's Cavern is situated on.) Ya betta believe it, Fred!  C'mon!  Let's go sit ovuh dere by dat rock.

(The two weasels sit next to the boulder that is blocking Dodongo's Cavern.)

Bernie: So, afta we gets ta Goron City, we- YEOWCH!

Fred: What is it Bernie?

Bernie: (Looks up, to see Link and Navi on the ledge above them.)  It's dat forest kid!  He's t'rowin rocks at me!  Why I oughta-

Fred: Uh, Bernie?  Dat's not a rock.

Bernie: Huh? (Turns around to see a bomb lying on the ground)  Ah, cripes.

SFX: BOOOOOOMM!!!

(The boulder that was blocking the entrance to Dodongo's Cavern is shattered, and the mafia weasels go flying through space until they land directly at the base of the mountain.)

Bernie: Oof!  Ah, my achin' back!  Fred, dis is all yore fault!

Fred: Sorry Bernie.

(Suddenly, a friendly Goron rolls down the mountain and stops in front of the weasels)

Goron: Hello!  What brings you to Death Mountain on such a fine day?

Fred: We're tryin' ta get ta da Goron City.  Is dere an easier way up dan jus' climbin da whole mountain?

Goron: Sure!  There's a trail right over there.  Just look for the cave about halfway up the mountain.  You'll find the city inside.

Bernie: Thanks, yore a real pal!

Goron: Don't mention it!  Bye!  (Rolls down into Kakariko Village)

Narrator: As the two weasels resumed their trek up Death Mountain, Link and Navi are on their way down towards Dodongo's Cavern.

Link: See, Navi?  I told you that bomb flower would do the trick.  Now all we have to do is go inside the cave and…  Hey, wait a minute!  Why DO we have to go into the cave?  It's already open, so the Gorons can get inside to mine for rocks.

Navi: Yeah!  And why didn't the Gorons just use a bomb flower and blow the cave open themselves?

(Out of nowhere, an old man in a hooded cloak appears.  We cannot see his face.)

Old Man: Heh heh heh… Gorons aren't too bright, you know.  Plus, their eyesight is quite poor.  They wouldn't know where to throw a bomb even if they thought of it.

Navi: Well, that explains why they didn't open the cave, but why do we have to go inside?

Old Man: Because I said so!  Plus, there is an item that you might find appealing.  It will allow you to discover many secrets along your quest.

Link: how do you know all this?  Who are you?

Old Man: I know because I have seen it…

Navi: *Gasp* You must be a wizard of some kind!

Old Man: (Rolls eyes) Nah, I've just played the game before.

Navi: Oh.  Okay.

Old Man: By the way, I'm not really an old man.

Link: But that's what it says in front of your lines on the script.

Old Man: True, but it will change once I throw off my cloak and reveal my true self.  (Throws off cloak and reveals his true self).

Old Man: You see?  I am Josh!  Today's Random Audience Member!

Link: Cool!  Do we get one of you guys to help us in every dungeon?

Josh: I don't know.  Probably.  But if I were the author I would make the Random Audience Member someone in the REAL audience.

Link: Yeah!  Like one of those good, honest, trustworthy, wonderful people who leave a review.

Navi: Of course, in that review (or e-mail), the spectacular, stupendous, amazing, fantastic person would have to say that they wanted to be in the story as a Random Audience Member.

Josh: True that.

Link: Well, I guess we can go to Dodongo's Cavern now.

(The three travel down the trail and enter the cave. Inside there is nothing but a stone wall and some bomb flowers.)

Navi: Link, this wall is all cracked.

Link: Yeah, hold on.  (Picks up a bomb flower and places it next to the wall.  They all back away)

SFX: BOOM!

(The wall explodes, revealing the interior of Dodongo's Cavern.  It is dimly lit, with a rock platform in the center.  Surrounding the platform is a lava pit, and there are several small ledges around the edge of the magma.  There are also three platforms that move up and down, which can be used to access the center platform.  At the end of the room is a giant Dodongo skull.)

Link: Well, here we go.  (Jumps onto the first moving platform, waits for it to rise, and hops off onto the main platform in the center.)  Hey, look, it's a statue!

(In the middle of the main platform is what appears to be a tall statue, with the head rotating slowly.

Navi: Link!  Get away from it!  It's a-

(The head turns all the way around to reveal a giant eyeball on a metallic body.)

Statue: (Blink) TZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWW!!!!!!!!!!!   (Shoots a blue laser beam at Link.)

Link: Yaaah!!  (Quickly backflips out of the way, then begins running in circles to avoid the deadly laser.)

Navi: …Beamos.

Link: How do I kill it!?!?

Navi: You don't have anything strong enough to damage it right now!  Just get out of the way!

Link: AGH!  (Runs around the Beamos and jumps on the ledge to the left of the entrance.)  Phew!  That was a close one.

Navi: I'll say.  (Points at Link's back.  His shield is completely incinerated.)

Link: What!?  I'm supposed to go through this dungeon without a shield!?

Josh: Nah, that would just suck.  Here, you can have this.  (Hands Link a shield)

YOU GOT THE HYLIAN SHIELD!  YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO FIND THIS IN THE GRAVEYARD OR BUY IT IN HYRULE CASTLE TOWN BEFORE YOU CAME HERE, BUT THE AUTHOR WAS TOO LAZY!  YOU CAN EQUIP THIS SHIELD FROM THE START MENU, AND WEAR IT ON YOUR BACK.  IT'S A LITTLE TOO HEAVY FOR A WIMP LIKE YOU TO PICK UP!  HEH HEH HEH…

Link: (Yelling at the ceiling) What the…  Who the heck are you!?!?

Navi: Link, are you feeling alright?

Link: (In complete despair and agony) But… He just… AGH!  (Runs over to a nearby bomb flower and kicks it into a wall.)

SFX: BOOOM!!!

(The wall explodes, revealing a treasure chest.)

Link: (Face brightens up) Ooh, goodie!  (Runs over to the chest giggling like a girl, and throws it open.  He pulls out…)

YOU GOT THE DUNGEON MAP!  USE IT TO FIND YOUR WAY THROUGH DODONGO'S CAVERN!  YOU CAN VIEW IT FROM YOUR MAP SUBSCREEN ON THE START MENU.

Link: WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT'S ALL THIS CRAP ABOUT SUBSCREENS AND START MENUS!?!?!?!?!?! 

Navi: Link!  Snap out of it!  (To Josh) I think the heat's getting to him.

Link: Navi!  What's a Start Menu!?!?

Navi: Uh, you mean that little box in your hat?

Link: Huh?  

(Link pulls off his hat.  Inside is a small blue box.  It unfolds into a larger box.)

Link: It's just a blue box.

Navi: Look inside.

(Link pulls the box over his head.  Stage crew runs out and attaches clearly visible cables to the box so that it hangs suspended in the air.)

Link: Whoa, cool!  There's a picture of me, and my weapons, and the map of Dodongo's Cavern!

Josh: Oh, so that's how it works.

Navi: It's some kind of matter displacement technology.  Not only can it hold a lot of items, but it also freezes time when you're inside it.

(Looking through the semi transparent box, Link can see bats frozen in mid-flight, lava bubbles stuck in place, and a Beamos looking directly at him, getting ready to fire a laser beam.)

Link: Yikes!  (Jumps out of the way while folding his Start Menu up and putting it in his hat.)  Okay, lemme check the map for a sec.  (Pulls out the Start Menu, glances at the map, then puts the menu back in his hat.)  The map says that we should go this way!

(As Link goes back the way they came, across the center platform to the other side of the room, Josh looks at Navi.)

Josh: Is he always this careless?

Navi: You don't know the half of it.

(They chase after Link to keep up.)

Link: Aha!  Another cracked wall!

Beamos: TZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

Link: AAH!  STOP IT!!!  (Picks up a nearby bomb flower and throws it at the Beamos.)

SFX: BOOOM!!! (Pause) BOOOOOM!!!!

(The bomb strikes the Beamos' head, blowing it off the body.  The body disappears, but the head flies through the air and strikes the cracked wall, blowing it up.)

Link: (Stands in awe) Wow.  That's a neat party trick.  I wish I could blow MY head up.

Navi: (Under her breath) Yeah, me too.

Link: What was that?

Navi: Uh, I said, uh…  quick, Link!  That way!

Link: Where!?  (Panics, and runs through the opening where the cracked wall used to be.)

(Inside this room is a long hallway.  Suddenly, several small mounds of dirt begin to rise from the ground.  Small, green, worm-like monsters pop out and charge Link.)

Link: Aah!  (Rolls between two of the monsters, turns around, and slashes at them.)  What are they!?

Navi: Baby Dodongos.  You might want to get out of the way, because they-

Baby Dodongo: REEEEK!!  (Explodes)

SFX: BOOOM!!!

Navi: -Detonate when you hit them.

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-  (Goes flying backwards, until he hits a wall.) –AAAAHH OOF!!!!  (Stands up) WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS %*(&!$# DUNGEON BLOW UP!?!!?!!?!!  (Goes hysterical, killing Baby Dodongos, then throwing them into each other so they blow themselves to pieces.) DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!

Narrator: After a colorful choice of phrases, and several more infanticides, Link makes it to the end of the hallway.  Meanwhile, our weasel friends decide to drop in.

(Scene: Outside Dodongo's Cavern.)

Fred: Youze sure dis is da place, Bernie?

Bernie: Dat dumb Goron said dat da Goron City was in a cave halfway up da mountain.

Fred: Yeah, but, sumtin feels creepy about dis place…

Bernie: Ah, shaddup.  C'mon, let's go.  (Grabs Fred by the scruff of the neck and drags him inside.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, our heroes have their hands full. 

Link: AAAAH!!  GET EM OFF ME!!  (Is slashing like crazy to avoid the dozens of Keese that surround him.)

Navi: Link!  Just get out of there!

Link: Help MEEEEEE!!!  (Runs into the next room, which is a bunch of platforms sitting in a lava pit.  Lies there on the ground, gasping for breath.)  I saw it Navi…  the bright light…  It was so pretty…

Navi: Link, look out!

Link: (Rolls out of the way as a small dagger comes careening towards the spot where he had been lying.)

Navi: Okay, time for your first mini-boss.  There are two of them.  They're called Lizalfos.

Link: Okay, how do I beat them?

Josh: Just use the shield I gave you to block their attacks.  They always slash in a downward motion, so just crouch beneath your shield.  When you see an opening, go for it.

Link: Okay.

(The battle commences.  The first Lizalfos attacks.  Link crouches to block it, then slashes upward into the enemy's groin.)

Lizalfos 1: ARK!  EH!  (Jumps over Link and slashes at his back.)

Link: AGH! Son of a- (Whirls around to hit the Lizalfos' mid-section.)

Lizalfos 1: ARK!  EH! (Jumps over Link's head to slash at him again, but this time Link is ready.)

Link: (Blocks the Lizalfos' attack with his shield, then slashes at it's legs.)

Lizalfos 1: AIK!!  (Turns around and jumps away to another platform.)

Link: (Chases after the Lizalfos, only to be blocked by the second one.)

Lizalfos 2: EH!

Link: (Ducks under his shield, then slashes down the front of the Lizalfos' body.)

Lizalfos 2: ARK! EH!  (Jumps over Link and attacks him.)

Link: (Blocks the attack, then slashes at the Lizalfos' legs.  Before it can recover, he stabs it in the stomach.) Yah!

Lizalfos 2: AIK!  (Turns around to run away.)

Link: Oh, no you don't!  (Slashes at it's left leg.)

Lizalfos: ACK!  (Tries to jump, but doesn't quite make it to the next platform.  It falls into the lava and dies.)  ARGH!

Navi: Great job!

Josh: Too bad you can't do that in the game.

Navi: Now go get the other one.

(Link jumps over to the platform where Lizalfos 1 is waiting.  He engages it in battle and kills it.)

Lizalfos 1: ARGH!  (Dies)

Navi: Yes!  Okay, where does the map say to go now?

Link: (Whining) It's too hard!  I'm tired!  Can we stop?

Navi: *Sigh* Well, we can always cut to a commercial break.

Josh: We have commercials?

(The curtain closes, and we see Sheik step out.)

Sheik: We interrupt this program to bring you a word from our sponsors.

(We see a large body of water.  Suddenly, a little red boat with a lion head on the bow cuts across the front of the camera.  On the boat is a boy dressed in green.  It is Link from The WindWaker.  A large pirate ship is trailing his boat.)

Announcer (Female): (Solemn) When you are traveling the Great Ocean attempting to recover magical lost artifacts from ancient civilizations, remember that being hurled from your boat causes 50% of all high-sea deaths.

(A bomb from the pirate ship hits Link's boat.  He flies out, and a shark comes up and swallows him whole.)

Announcer (Female): So remember, (Holds up a safety belt) stay safe.  Buckle up.

Announcer: (Male): (Speaking quickly) Noworldsavingheroeswereharmedinthemakingofthiscommercial.   Thishasbeenapublicsafetyadvertisement.

Narrator: Meanwhile, our heroes are still making their way through Dodongo's Cavern.

(The screen shows Link, Navi, and Josh on the second floor of the cavern.  They have already received the bomb bag and the compass.  There is a huge spiral staircase leading up even higher.)

Josh: Hey, that wasn't there in the game.

Navi: Which means that whatever is up there is probably very bad.

Link: Sweet!  Let's go!  (Starts running up the spiral staircase.)

Navi: Link, be careful!  You don't know what's up there!

(Navi and Josh catch up with Link.  He is at the top of the staircase, directly over the Giant Dead Dodongo Skull.  In front of him is a huge stone door.)

 Link: Wow.  I bet that all the treasures of Death Mountain are in this room.  (Pushes the door open.)

(Inside the room are about two hundred adult Dodongos, looking very hungry.  Bomb flowers cover the walls and ceiling.  Above Link's head is a button that is labeled, "If all hope is gone, press me.  But if I am pressed twice within seven years, you will be sorry.)

Link: *Blink*  Hee hee.  Heh heh heh. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!  (Falls over onto the ground, totally losing it.)

Josh: Uh, Link, are you okay?

Link: HOHOHO!!!  Ya know what?  I'm sick of all the monsters attacking me.  I'm sick of being blown up.  I'm sick of this entire dungeon.  HEEHEEHEE!!!

Josh: Link…

Navi: Link, snap out of it!

Link: (Stands up and presses the switch on the wall.  Thousands of bombs and dozens of powder kegs fall from a hole in the ceiling.  Link takes a bomb out of his bomb bag.)

Navi: Link, NO!  Remember inside the Great Deku Tree?  We almost burned to death!

Link: (Strikes a match on the side of his tunic)

Navi: No!  If you die, who's going to save Hyrule!?  

Link: (Moves the match closer and closer to the bomb fuse.)

Navi: Who are they going to make all those video games and fanfictions about!?!?  They even made a TV show!

Josh: Yeah, but it got cancelled.  It totally sucked-

Navi: SHH!  Link, who's going to marry Princess Zelda!?!?

Link: (Stops) I marry Zelda?

(A nearby Dodongo breathes fire towards Link.)

Link: AAH!  (Jumps out of the way.  Unfortunately, the blast lights the fuse of the bomb.)  Yikes!  (Tosses the lit bomb into the pile of bombs and powder kegs.)  Uh, heh heh.  Oops.

Josh: RRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Link, Navi, and Josh bolt out of the room.  They begin running down the spiral staircase.)

Bernie: (On the bottom floor of the cavern) Dis doesn't look like no Goron City.

Fred: Maybe we came to da wrong cave.

Bernie: (Rolls eyes) Yeah, an' maybe it's New Years Eve.

Fred: (Stupidly) Aw, Fred, it can't be New Years Eve!  Dere aint no fiyahwoiks.

SFX: KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Bernie and Fred are blasted out of the cave and flung all the way down Death Mountain.  Scene: The outside of Death Mountain.  A fairly large mushroom cloud rises into the air, sending a shockwave clear across Hyrule Field to Lon Lon Ranch.)

Talon: (On the phone with a someone.)  Yes, ah have 1 billion cuccos ready for market-  
  


(There is a loud rumbling, and the shockwave reaches the ranch.)

Cow: MOO!  (Falls over)

Talon: What in tarnation!?!

Narrator: Meanwhile…

Link&Navi: (Yelling.  Starts from far away, then gets closer, until…) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

SFX: CRASH! 

Link&Navi: (Crash through the giant Dodongo skull, directly into the boss room, which is a round chamber with a lava pit in the center.) Uuuuunnhhh…

Link: Where's Josh?

Navi: I guess he didn't make it…  Looks like we're on our own…

SFX: CRASH!  CRASH!  CRASH!

Navi: Uh, Link…  (Points behind Link)

Link: (Turns around) O.O Oh, $#!^

(A huge Dodongo stomps up to them.)

King Dodongo: RRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KING DODONGO: INFERNAL DINOSAUR

(Boss music begins playing.  King Dodongo curls up into a ball and rolls towards Link.)

Navi: Quick, Link, duck!

Link: (Ducks under his shield)

SFX: ClankClankClankClankClankClankClank!!!

Navi: Okay, with regular Dodongos, you can just hit their tails, but this one's too big.  You'll have to stun it somehow, then go directly for the face.

Link: (Nods, then charges up toward King Dodongo.)

King Dodongo: (Takes a deep breath.)

Navi: Get out of the way!  (Shoves Link against the wall)

King Dodongo: (Blasts a huge stream of fire.)

SFX: FFWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHH!!!!!

Navi: EEK!

Link: Navi!

(King Dodongo rolls into a ball and attacks Link.  Link jumps out of the way, and then runs to counterattack King Dodongo.)

Link: (Takes out a bomb) Take this, you overgrown lizard!

(When King Dodongo opens his mouth to breathe fire, Link hurls the bomb inside.  It detonates inside King Dodongo's stomach.)

Link: YAAAAAHH!!! (Attacks King Dodongo's face viciously.)

(This process repeats several times, until King Dodongo is dead.  He rolls up into a ball, careening drunkenly, until he finally falls into the pit of lava.  The molten rock hardens, and King Dodongo's blackened head is still sticking slightly outside the stone.)

Link: (Sheaths his sword and runs over to Navi.)  Navi!  Navi, are you alright!?

Navi: *-*

Link: Oh, Navi, I'm sorry…  I've been so careless.  From now on, I promise to take things more seriously.  I will be the hero that everyone needs me to be!  I'll stop being immature and childish.  I'll help those in need.  I'll defend the weak, stay strong for my people, and I'll never be mean and insensitive again!

Navi: …*Groan*

Link: Navi!  You're alive!  (Jumps up and down, accidentally pummeling his fairy friend into the ground) YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY!

Navi: Ow Ow Ow Ow.  Link!  GET OFF OF ME!

Link: (Stops jumping) Huh?  Oh, sorry.  You okay?

Navi: Well I was, but now you've broken my wing, you careless, dismissive, immature, childish, disobliging, destructive, weak, failure of a hero!

Link: … *Blink*

Navi: Well, aren't you gonna help me!?!

Link: (Suddenly cheerful) Okay!  (Scoops Navi up, grabs the heart container left by King Dodongo, and walks into the blue warp thingy.)

(Some stage guys come out and strap Link to a harness.  They lift him up into the air as they clumsily change the scenery to the outside of the mountain.  Link begins "floating" down, when suddenly, the cable breaks.)

SFX: SNAP!

Link: WWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

SFX: CRUNCH!

Link: Well, there went three more ribs.

(Several more of Link's bones are broken as Darunia falls directly on top of him.)

SFX: KARUNCH!

Darunia: Little buddy?  Whered'ja go?

Link: Mff mmmrrrrr mfff!!!!

Darunia: Huh?  Oh.  Sorry about that.  (Peels Link off the ground)

Link: (Now suffering from internal injuries) No… problem… 

Darunia: Oh, good!  Well, I just dropped in to say thanks!  You made Dodongo's Cavern safe for all of us to mine again.  And that small nuclear explosion wiped out all of the monsters on this side of the mountain.

Link: Uh, cool.

Darunia: I like you, kid!  From now on, let's be brothers!  On behalf of the Goron people, I would like to entrust you with the Goron's Ruby!  (Holds up arms)

(Triumphant music plays, and a fiery red rock drops from the sky, suspended by a rope.  Suddenly the rope snaps, and the stone hits Link on the head.)

Link: OW!  WHY THE #3!! DO I KEEP GETTING BEAT UP!!!

YOU GOT THE GORON RUBY!  AKA THE SPIRITUAL STONE OF FIRE!  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HE MEANS BY "BROTHERS" (PROBABLY SOME RELIGIOUS CULT) BUT YOU ARE ONE STEP CLOSER TO FINDING THE TRIFORCE!

Link: Okay.  I've had it.  My fairy is almost dead, I'm on an impossible quest, I'm in way over my head, and I haven't eaten in days.  I've been blown up, dropped from the sky, trampled by a boulder-eating weirdo, and had an expensive-looking rock dropped on my head!  (Pulls out a 9-millimeter and points it at his temple.)  I CAN'T TAKE MUCH MORE OF THIS!!!

Darunia: Whoa, calm down, Brother.

Link: I'll do it!  I'll pull the trigger!

Darunia: Come on, you have so much to live for!

Link: (Lowers the gun) Really?

Darunia: Well, uh, no.  But that doesn't mean-

SFX: BAM!

Link: Crap.  Just leave it to the author to give me a gun with a friggin blank!

Darunia: Look, I know someone who can heal your injuries and… arouse your fighting spirit.

Link: Who?

Darunia: A Great Fairy.  She lives on top of Death Mountain.  It's a long hike, but I know a shortcut.

Link: What is it?

Darunia: (Picks up Link and throws him at about 300 miles per hour to the top of Death Mountain.)

Link: AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaahhh….

Darunia: (Chuckles) Nice kid.

Goron 1: You must really trust him to give him the Spiritual Stone of Fire.

Darunia: Nah, I just wanted to lure Ganondork away from here.  Now he'll be concentrated on screwing up Link's life instead of ours!  (Turns around to head back up the mountain, when he is confronted by two black, charred, and very angry-looking weasels.)

Bernie: Hey, youse guys is Gorons, right?

Darunia: Yeah, I'm Darunia, Big Brother of the Gorons.  You kids want an autograph or something?

Bernie: What we wants is all da bombs ya gots in stock.

Fred: Yeah!  All da bombs!

Darunia: *Blink* WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

Fred: (Holds up a water balloon and throws it at Goron 1.)

SFX: SPLASH!

Goron 1: Help! Help!  I'm drowning!!!!

Darunia: (Throws up his hands) Okay, okay, we'll talk.

(Meanwhile, Link is enjoying his flight, until it is stopped abruptly by him crashing through the wall of the Great Fairy's Fountain.)

Link: …aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! 

SFX: WHAM! CRUNCH!

Link: Unh…  Oh, my kidneys…  (Crawls over to the Triforce symbol in front of the Great Fairy's pool.)

Navi: (Weakly) Play… Zelda's… Lullaby… (Passes out)

Link: (Stands up, takes out his Ocarina and plays Zelda's Lullaby.) ….^….….….^…. Doooo dee daaaaah, Doooo dee daaaaah!!!

(A small giggle is heard, and then there is silence.)

Great Fairy: EEYAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!  (Bursts out of the water, and assumes a suggestive position.)

Link: AGH!  Dear Nayru, help me!

Great Fairy: Welcome, Link.  I am the Great Fairy of Power.

Link: (Whimpers)

GFoP: I can give you something good…  Do you want to know what it is?

Link: (Face twists into a contortion of pain)

GFoP: It's something that can give you a longer range…

Link: (Blood vessel pops in his head, has a seizure.)

GFoP: …With your sword attack.  Receive it now!  (Holds arms out and sparkly magic encircles Link.)

YOU GOT THE DEADLY SPIN ATTACK!  HOLD B TO CHARGE YOUR SWORD, THEN RELEASE IT FOR A POWERFUL WHIRLWIND OF ENERGY.  BE CAREFUL, AS IT TAKES MAGIC POWER.  FOR A QUICK SPIN, ROTATE THE CONTROL STICK ONCE AND PRESS B.

GFoP: (The camera pans by every exaggerated curve of her body one last time, as she heals Link and Navi's wounds.) Come back here whenever battle has made you weary.  YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHEEHEE!!!  (Swirls sexily back into her pool.)

Link: Oh.  My.  Goddesses.  (Starts crossing himself and performing cleansing rituals from every major world religion.)

Navi: Hehheh.  I see you met the Great Fairy.  You know, there are five other Great Fairies in Hyrule.  One of them lives by the castle.  We should probably go see her before we go find the last Spiritual Stone.

Link: Aw.  You mean I have to endure that suffering AGAIN!?!

Navi: Yeah, but this time it'll be worth it.

Link: Okay.  But first I need to relax a little bit.  Let's go explore Kakariko Village after we get down the mountain.

Navi: That sounds like a good idea.

Narrator: And so, with only one more Spiritual Stone to find, Link and Navi left the Great Fairy's Fountain and began their descent down Death Mountain.

What adventures will Link discover in Kakariko?  What does the second Great Fairy have for him?  When will I ever learn to stop procrastinating?  All these questions and more will be answered in the next chapter of: The Legend of Zelda- The Real Story- Ocarina of Time!

Disclaimer: I do not own The Legend of Zelda.  I do not own Nintendo.  I do own the Mafia Weasels, Bernie and Fred, and I own this twisted, maniacal version of the storyline.  Thanks for reading, and please review!

Feb. 1, 2004

-Jacoman52


End file.
